Session One: General Interest

Izzy: What are you doing?

Hazel: I'm taking my shirt off..


Philip: Pregnant

Izzy: Teenager

Ailbhe: Hormones

Michael: Make

Miguel: Babies!

Eoghan: Well if it's a giraffe we all want to see it!

Hazel: Caroline come lie between my legs

Old Woman: Is this the new trend then going around in their dressing-gowns?

Alastair: I wonder if my synth will fit in my manbag...

Izzy: (on the subject of Your Mother jokes) They're horrendously addictive!

Daire: Like your mother!

Anna: I don't believe in red meat

Daire: You don't believe in its existance or its ethics?

Anna: No, I've never seen a cow in my life and I live in Leitrim!

Hazel: Alexis, why were you born a man?

Danny: And the next act is ... An RA!

Caoimhe: Because being a student is too mainstream!

  • on the student evaluation forms*

Do you have any complaints?

Alexis: Yeah my dog died last week and i'm finding it hard to adjust...

Gingey: Some of these new inhabitants don't look like they could pass a CTYI entrance test... The only test they could pass is a pregnancy test!

Alexis: A guy on my corridor sold himself for a muffin.

Clodagh: To Me!!!

Izzy: Where's Cormac, I need to beat him up; he called Michelle a Summer Scholar!

Blind Date: What would you do if you were locked in a room alone for 24 hours?

Danny: I would make sweet, passionate- embroidery.

Fionn: *drinks Pepsi*

Alex: That's Clodagh's!

Fionn: It's mine now!

Alexis: Did you hear about Etain's erotica?

Izzy: Is it just her life story?

Gingey: Maths is like sex: you add a woman, divide her legs and try not to multiply

  • plastic bag blows around*

Izzy: Look! It's Katy Perry!

Clodagh: I want to pay you 100 pounds to follow me around for a week and narrate my life!

Sam: I'm not some class of Vocal Prostitute!!

Caoimhe: I don't have messy handwriting, I have my own font!

Family Fortunes: Name a superhero:

Michelle's RA Group: Howard!!!!

Family Fortunes: Which RA is an only child?

Everyone: Howard!

Caoimhe: Because having siblings is too mainstream!!

Howard: And in further news - Lorcan is going to the toilet.

Izzy: Now Ellen, show me on the rabbit where he touched you.

Anna: Danny you're so threatening!

Caoilfhionn: Who would you let burn in a fire - Gingey, Ellen or Naoise?

Izzy: Gingey cause he's fireproof!!

Caoilfhionn: Can we find someplace that's secluded and dark and lonely?

Gingey: (sings) Supergay, supergay, supergay ex-roommate! Supergay, supergay, he likes to say he's straight!

Flattery: But he's really gaaa- ! I mean straight!!

Alexis: Write one about me!

Gingey: Supergay, supergay, supergay Alexis..

Richie: I would take Cheryl Cole out and let her look at me!

Miguel: It's a baby baboon with a spoon on the moon, playing the bassoon!

Izzy: Look at Howard crossing the road like a rebel! Because traffic lights are too mainstream!

Cormac: Oh my god!! It's one day closer to Christmas!

Gingey: I'm the conductor, Fionn's the commuter and Miguel's the Public Masturbator!

Ninja: (to Gingey): Stop tempting fate!

Fionn (to Gingey): Stop tempting Me!

Gingey: Joke's on you my mother's dead!

Alexis: I'm Alexis. My RA is Howard and he's a sexbomb!

Gingey: (to Orlagh) You only noticed now that my name is Gingey, because my hair is Ginger, I'm allowed to make some sort of comment.

  • At Casino Night, while bidding with items other than legal tender*

Gingey: Madeline McCann's whereabouts!

Daire: And a shovel!

Daire: Stop spilling my cocaine, that's for later!

Miguel: I'm a serial sex-rapist! I get cereal boxes and I give them fun!

Gingey: There are so many holes in our friend group this year, we've had to fill them with Newbies and Commuters! .. And my gay ex-roommate..though in a way, he was filling holes already...

Cormac: Is anyone he's looking for in there?

Gingey: Who's he looking for?

Izzy: His virginity

Izzy & Kate: Meeting Kevin is a formative and scarring experience in everyone's life

Izzy: Ah miguel you're all sweaty! Just the way I like it!

Natalie: I would so snog Alexis if he was wearing that dress...

Hazel: In this restaurant, there was a massive toilet and on the other side of the room there was an armchair facing the toilet! Why would you have an armchair facing the toilet on the other side of the room?!

Daire: Very dedicated therapists?

Izzy: Daire you're such an indie: you like Michael Cera + Joseph Gordon Levitt...

Daire: But he's so dreamy!!

Seosamh: You don't have to take notes!

Izzy: I don't have to take your mother, but I still do every Thursday night!

Ellen: For a hat you have a nice body.

Ellen: Bertie Ahern may have taken all the money, and Brian Cowen taken all the food...

Caoilfhionn: Whenever my family complains about something, it's either about how small my boobs are or how my brother's boobs are bigger than mine.

Elizabeth: Are your brothers large?

Caoilfhionn: No, THEY JUST HAVE BOOBS.

Michelle (R.A): Hey girls!

Ellen: YES I WANT TO FUCK WITH DECLAN!!! ... R.A on my right, yes?

Hazel: (talking about a chair) And it has a vibrator! - No! It vibrates! - NO! It's a massage chair!!!

Hazel: I WANT TO TALK TO *ANON*!!! - Oh he's behind me!

Hazel: There's a shop called The Butcher's Shop and I think it sells meat.

Hazel: Did Danny leave? No, wait, he's in there trying to take his clothes off.

Hazel: When a woman and a woman love each other very much, they have a special hug, but they can't make babies!

Ellen: I'm partially naked guys!

Hazel, Elizabeth, Niamh and Caroline: WOOOOOOOH!!!

Eimhear: Chocolate milk - FROM MY TITTIES!!!

Elizabeth: Get off, you stupid eejit!

Caoilfhionn: What?!

Elizabeth: I'm talking to the hair dye!

Eimhear: Wait, there's three people in this hug!

Caoilfhionn: There's only two people!

Eimhear: Where did that fourth foot come from?!

Hazel: WE TIED UP GINGEY!!! - hair...

Elizabeth: (while looking at the horses) See the one in the middle? That's the youngest.

Ellen: See that one there? That's a horse.

Margaret: (talking about Wife Swap) Y'know the way the wives swap?

Dove: My name's Dove, spelt like the bird.

Adam: My name's Adam, spelt like Adam.

Elizabeth: My name's Elizabeth, spelt like the queen.

Ellen: My name's Ellen, spelt like the lesbian one.

Caoilfhionn: When I rub my eyes it looks like a seizuring caterpillar.

Ellen: (about the photos of Izzy) We photoshopped in her friends.

Izzy: Put all your evil feelings into a box and give it to Jesus.

Eimhear: Look at it's tail!!! It's like a rainbow on it's back but not colourful!!!

Ellen: (to Caroline) One day it's gonna be a really serious moment and your boyfriend's gonna ask you if you want to have sex and you're gonna get distracted by something shiny.

Someone in the quad: -oh shit!

Caroline: (looks slowly up from butchering the grass) Oh shit indeed.

Margaret: When you're in the quad do you ever feel like you're being watched?

Ellen: (points to window) Well yeah, by him.

Caroline: I need to unlayer them.

Elizabeth: I know how you feel hun.

Gingey; It's fun telling these jokes to Scarfy 'cause she doesn't laugh, she just slowly dies.

Hazel: Yum!

Caroline: Y'know when you said that he looked around?


Adam: What's that big religious thing over there?

Ellen: I think it's a church.

Ellen: No, not the boobies, I need those for seducing!

Hazel: He actually wants to come! He never wants to go anywhere!

Caroline: He wants to talk to us!

Adam: He's sexually attracted to me.

Meredith: Caroline! I have a story to tell you! I was giving my brother head - *bursts out laughing* I MEANT A HUG!!!

Ellen: You're super tall!

Katherine: You're super awesome! And Caoilfhionn's super...Caoilfhionn's just super!

Caroline: Why are we abusing Ryan today?

Niamh: 'Cause Jason isn't here!

Ellen: (to the tune of the Pokemon Theme Song) Go be bi! Gotta fuck 'em all!

(Heard randomly at the last disco) Danny: Nothing's sweeter than chlamydia!

  • After losing his money

Robert: Lorcan swore to god he didn't take my money

Daniel: You realise Lorcan's an atheist, Right?

Howard: So you're saying the wall is a mataphor.

Caoimhe: Yes, because Beyoncé didn't really bui;d a wall.

Dee: Would you trust Beyoncé to build a wall?

Caoimhe: I think she knocked down her house so she could live with Jesus.

Caoimhe RA: There's a lot of repetition, what do you think she's trying to say?

Dee: That she can see his halo.

Stephen: The song was written in 3 hours so they were probably just trying to fill it out...

Sorcha: Are you trying to make Beyoncé deep?

Davin: She is deep!

Ross: I think this guy Enrique is the last person that should be singing about this.

Howard: Why?

Ross: Because he's a shallow bastard.

Dee: See, now Caoimhe's clever AND she's a dyke.

Caoimhe: I think he's tired of having sex with a stream of beautiful women and wants an old woman to come and live with him and his cats.

Danny: Rachel, you make everything sound smarter.

Dee: No, she makes everything sound like porn.

Fergus: Eoin, open your legs, I want to take a picture.

Dove: My name is Dove, like the bird.

Dee: Oh I'm sorry, I thought you meant dove like the moisturiser.

Alexis: If there's ever a crisis around the world, Jackie Chan is the man.

Eoin (about the Street Spirit Dubstep mix): This is like if having a dog that you really love and then one day you come from from a hard day at work expecting to see it bounding across the floor to cheer you up, you open the door and it's been fucked by a clown.

  • Gingey starts feeling Daniel's head

Gingey: Hello Charlie, You have nice hair.

Daniel: My name's not charlie......

Gingey: (To someone behind him) This is charlie. He has nice hair.

Daniel: My name's not charlie.

Gingey: His name's not charlie.


Many various session 2 CTYIers : BATTLELANGER!!!

Daire and Eoin: VODKA VODKA!!!

Miguel: PASSION!

Flattery: Noodles for Passion!

Izzy: (on hearing the news of Howard's RA group doing the morning run)

OMG my room has a perfect view!! Every day I look out + see Jackie in her sexy shorts! Now I can see Howard in his sexy shorts... OMG What if he runs in his skinny jeans, I might die!!!!!!!

Flattery: Aaron's balls are in Miguel's fridge

Ellen: I kissed Dove, you can hump a tree!

Izzy: I WANNA SEE HOWARD'S SEXY SHORTS!!!... he's standing right behind me isn't he?..

Some chap: I'll be your pillow

William: That's dangerous if Naoise's around...

Michelle: Izzy you have a serious problem and its name is Howard!!

Ninja: Omg that's what started the Gingey and the floor and the licking and the- the toothbrush! D:

Caoimhe: This year Jackie turned down our sex! :(

Clodagh: Everybody's naked! - err...

Gingey: I can make you spaghetti, I can wrap your presents, I can have sex with you...

Eoghan: Izzy we both know who the man is in our relationship!

Ninja: Howard, howard in his flaming underwear...

Izzy: The only time you'll see Gingey in his skinny jeans, when he's running from a burning building...

Ninja: How come Howard's fully dressed?

Maeve: Cause he's a Fucking Bastard!

Danny: This is no time for jokes. This is 4 in the morning.

Niamh: Izzy, a croissant from a bin is so out of your league right now.

Niamh: Chocolate milk in my cereal!

Izzy: Niamh, you might want to take it easy on the chocolate milk..

Elizabeth: (to Michelle) You look like some kind of Alien Space Whore with glasses!

Izzy: What if my scalp was in love with Edmond?

Niamh: Who's bladder exploded on the wall?

Niamh: If you want a girl's attention, grab her ass!

Gingey: To Ninja, Stop Tickling Fionn's bottom.

Sam: *on the phone to Una* Una, una are you there? Una why are you saying all these numbers, I don't understand? Una answer me!

Izzy (jokingly): Awh Sam did you stumble into voicemail?


Gingey: We called the cat Kevin because it sits in the bushes and watches you!

Ellen & Izzy: We're Twins! The McColgate sisters!!

Ellen & Izzy: TWINSICLES!!!!

Gingey: Happy International Lorcan Day! Flush a toilet in honour of lorcan!

Fionn: Here, let me take off my belt so you can have a clearer view..

Ellen: Forest Greeen!!!

Miguel: Izzy you eat those strepsils like sweets!

Caoimhe: You know what they have in them? Paracetamol, Alcohol, you know I hope this isn't telling of your future life!

Sam: You're my favourite rapist Izzy!

Family Fortunes: Who's most likely to rob a bank?

Gingey, Fionn etc.: MIGUEL'S MOTHER!


Ellen: Find someone you like then bite it off!

Elizabeth: He's very good with his stick isn't he?

Elizabeth: He's very good with wood.

Elizabeth: Ellen, come into my bosom.


Caoilfhionn: Pretend to lick me!

Caroline: We probably can't find him 'cause he's having his own sexy montage!


Eimhear: Imagine that in your mouth!

Ellen: I'm practically fingering you!

Elizabeth: What's that fuzzy thing on my face?

Hazel: Crack a head on my egg!

Hazel: I constantly surprise people...'CAUSE I'M BLACK!

Elizabeth and Ellen: VAGINAL BEAR TRAPS!!!

Caroline: We have balls for feet!


Hazel: I put the thing between my legs and it was cold!

Elizabeth: Well you would to if your ass was sticking out of the rear end of a bull!

Hazel: I'm still vibrating!



Elizabeth: (to Adam) Who's the biggest malteser?

Adam: Come back!

Elizabeth: Ellen's surpirisingly comfortable for a green!

Ellen: (to Caroline) Imagine how big a tumour would be if you actually had a Honda car in your brain... *both nod* It'd be a fairly big tumour.

Anna: *anonymous* is always behind me!

Hazel: Consensual pornography, that's what I'll write about!

Caroline: *turns off music* ...What?

Hazel: Caroline look! Brian has titties!!


Dee: Hey John?

John: What?

Dee: ...

John: I'm gonna rape you.

John: I will come in your shoe.

Danny: God, we are so hopeless.

Dee: Sorcha, what did you write?

Sorcha: 'Hiya babes.'

Dee: Why didn't you write rape corner?

Sorcha: Oh yeah...

Sorcha: Guys, I have to announce something. Danny just spelt corner wrong.

Danny: MAURICE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? What is he, mining for diamonds down there?

Rachel: Maurice is in my cervix mining for diamonds.

John: No, he's mining for uteranium.

Ross: I have hundreds of offspring!

Danny: I was also in the film Michael Collins, and I killed him - well, people don't think I did it, but really I did.

John: I am the tooliest tool that has ever tooled.

John: Last night I was wanking in the kitchen and then Ben came in doing the exact same thing. It was magical.

Danny RA: You cheated!

Sorcha: I didn't cheat. I was clever. There's a difference.

Maeve RA: 96.

Sorcha: John's a prick.

John: 28 - Abu Ghraib.

John: I think Maurice might be a vampire.

John: My first wank I don't even remember coming, I just remember the point of no return.

  • While Dee is on the phone

John (into the phone): I had a wank over you...

Conor: Dee, is that your mum?

Dee: No, it's Andrea!

Everyone applauds

Danny: My stones are like John's gang rape squad. All of them hit but none of them score.

John: I thought the worst thing I've ever thought in the cinema today. This 35 year old went to the bathroom and told their 4 year old daughter to wait outside and I thought to myself... I could steal that child.

John: Could I fistbump Maurice?

Conor: Rabbits. They breed like black people.

Derv: Ed Kemper literally got head.

Adam: Abortion brings out the child in you.

John:...............I'm gonna change my socks.

Dee: Were you trying to read my text?

Gavin: No.

Stephen: Liar! Liar, liar, head on fire.

Conor: Stop bullying John or I'll fuck you up.

John: Davin's allowed to touch y nipples because he's beautiful and we just had sex.

John: Adam, I just lost so much respect for you. Oh great, your name is Adam so you can call it an apple instead of an Adam's apple, ha ha ha. I should break everything you love.

Adam: It's really uncomfortable and in the end you're just sucking your own cock.

(Mocking Family Fortunes) Howard: Name a two legged animal.

Eoin: Is it a fish?

Derv: It's one of those things you can't unsee.

John: What is it?

Derv: Eoin's face.

Caoimhín: Is that apple pie?

Danny: Well I hope it's not human.

Caoimhín: Oh yeah, we had human last year, it was terrible.

Fergus: What's human?

Fergus: Show me a bass chord!

Fergus: Can I have some money?

Sean: I'm not your fuckin da!

Fergus: What is this, the park of retarded joggers?!

Fergus: I don't need muscles, I can cut people down with my sharp words. And then they punch me in the face....

Caoimhe: 'Oh Dooley when you talk like that, you make a Dearbhla go mad...' Oh no, I only wrote that song for Muslims, I can't sing it now!

Stephen: Rachel hates me now, because I broke the 4x4.

John: Stephen, she's vulnerable now, that's one of her horcruxes.

John: It's like trying to capture an albatross raping a zebra.

John: I became premature out of necessity.

John: Oh no, I have a scar on my forehead and my parents were raped by a man with no nose and gang banged by death eaters.

John: I'm having way too much fun. I'm like a kid with a bone! Oh wait a minute...

Stephen: That's Caoimhe's weakness. Balls.

Greg: I'd love to be a rapist.

John: Gavin, can you get a dick bar? Like straight through?

Conor: You can get a loop through your japseye, like BAM through the bottom of the shaft.

Derv: Water is a white people's problem because they don't have any in Africa.

Dee (to Jachel): Guys, this mating dance is getting a bit long.

Gavin: That's not all that's getting a bit long.

Dee: Caoimhe, that elbow licking thing is annoying because you're the only one short enough to do it standing.

Danny: Well you spend enough time bent over anyway...

Danny: Ninja wants smooshsmoosh!

Danny: I found a cure for that laugh. It's called a fucking bullet.

John: He's like a sexual teddy bear. It's like, I wanna love Gavin but I also want him to enter my asshole.

Caoimhe: Which is prettier, the penis or the vagina?

Derv: Oh neither, they're both really aggressive looking!

Danny: Add spice to your herpes, add spice to your life.

Liam: Dee, you take down quotes like John takes dick up the ass.

Liam: Can you move? You're lying on my penis.

Adam: Oh, that's what that was.

John: I've never watched a Den show, but I have been touched by Dustin.

Caoimhe: Has anyone got any swimming paraphernalia?

Sorcha: What is a paraphernalia?

Caoimhe: I did that to a priest once. "Will Jesus ever give me up?" "No." "Will he ever let me down?" "No."

Ben: therefore the logical assumption is the Rick Astley is Jesus!

Sorcha: Blow a bubble into my mouth, I want to see what soap tastes like.

Conor (to Derv): I'll murder you in your sleep. Your corpse is good enough.

Davin: So I'm sitting on a sweaty, horny teenage boy trying to get my balls.

Stephen: HIS balls.

Davin: Yeah, but I wanna play with them.

Davin: Hot water with ginger is good for your voice.

Dee: I don't think there's any in my house.

Gavin: I could give you some.

Dee: What?

Gavin: Ginger.

Dee: You're disgusting.

Danny: Once Dee goes down, it's pretty easy to pin Rachel. That's in John's handbook.

Danny: Dee, I've got a quote. It's solid, more solid than a frozen shite - AWW DEE QUOTE THAT!

Danny RA: What's wrong? You guys are so morose.

Dee: Enthusiasm.

Everyone: ENTHUSIASM!!

Dee: There you go, that's fucking morose for you.

Dee: Well Caoimhe, considering that your ego is the size of a house... shaped planet...

Davin: Ah, I stuck my leg into a muffin...

John: The coordination required for that act would be astronomical.

Caoimhe: You emotionless monster.

Sarah: That's a quare fine cat!!

Stephen: You could just sneak up to CTYI and not tell your parents you were going. "I'm going to my friend's house for 3 weeks, can I borrow 2000 euro?"

John: I probably did something really tooly.

Phiona: Like what, exist?

John: I don't even know you...

John: I haven't seen Maurice in ages.

Dee: That's because he lives in Rachel's cervix.

Ben: And John's not going to get in there...

Dee: She's not really my type.

John: So what is? Ginger and sad? HA - got two in one go.

Caoimhe: Dee, why are you always in the paper?

Dee: Because my mummy is a lesbian, that's why.

Charlotte: Irish girls dance like thiiiis -arms in air, poutting, hip wiggling- American girls dance like thissss! -gets loow, grinding, girating-

Charlotte: Well Bév's my boyfriend, so technically I'm cheating with Barry

Richie: I thought you were the boyfriend

Bév: We're both each others boyfriends.

Most of the guys: Ah Charlotte is a lesbian!

Charlotte: No, we're boyfriends. We're gay together.

Barry (on Bév's facebook account): 3some???

Paul: of corse..

"Bév": toilets, 5 minutes

Paul: ye... i wont bring sean

"Bév": just me you and charlotte

Paul: you me n my cock... THREESOMEEEE

"Bév": ill bring the handcuffs

Paul: ill bring the toilet brush ....n the laxitives

"Bév": and the cucumber

Paul: n the gimp

"Bév":see ya down there ..bring your tracksuit

Paul: of corse....only 2 minutes left bbz

Paul: Bév I was waiting in the bathroom forever!!

Aina: Luke, you smell nice.


Sorry, thought you were Sid

Nice shoes..wanna fuck?

Marry me?

You're meetin me!


It's Ferdia! It's Ferdia-a-a! Bom bom bi dom bom bom bi dom bom!

RA: What's your name?

Paul: .......................................... Paul

RA: Paul what?

RA: You're not really Paul Garvey are you? When's your birthday?' Halloween.

RA: What course are you in?

Paul: ......*looks away*.................uh...Latin.

-RAs go get Andrea-

Andrea: What's your name, are you a current CTYI student?

Paul: Paul..

Andrea: Paul Garvey?

Paul: Yeah..

Andrea: Cop on Paul

-the next day- Paul: They called my mum and told her I was a drug dealer..

Barry's gay list/Charlotte's a lesbian





Charlotte: So we were... on the shift?

Bev: On the meet, Charlotte. On the meet.

Owls never lose!

Miguel make the owl noise!


  • After a pedo starts staring at everyone during music appreciation*
  • to the tune of Barbra Streisand* ooooooooh ooooh HOWARD HELEN!!!!

Danny (RA): Okay everyone, we're just going to move over there..

Danny: Is that because of that man staring at us?

Danny (RA): Em..yes..

Danny: Well next time my dad comes over to say hi you might be a bit less rude!!....just kidding

Every Single of Caoimhe's RA Meetings:

Anna: The Door!!

Danny: (on washing) Did you just put something that wasn't fabric conditioner into the slot that says "Fabric Conditioner Only"?

Mark: What's fabric conditioner?

Danny: It comes in a tub and it's liqud and it smells yummy!

Danny: What time is it now?

Izzy: Ten past 9 ...

Danny: And the washing takes 45 minutes, and starts at half eight... So were you here before you were supposed to be?

Izzy: Yes...

Danny: Well you've been very naughty. Say 3 Hail Marys

Howard: Shh, shh everybody shh!!

(whole room goes quiet)

...are there any crisps left?

Karen's RA Group: Coookies! Coookies!!


Danny: Now this is just a room full of warm, wet people!

Someone, after Danny did Meditation: Can you come to our rooms and read us a bedtime story?

Danny: I don't think I'm allowed to do that...

Howard: Ok guys, I'm just going to distribute some reading material....

Howard: Guys, I don't hear reading...

Rachel: How can you hear reading?

Danny: 56, I have to do Session 2 as well.

Danny: We're gonna play Zen Bingo next.

Maeve: 94.

Danny (student): Larry's at the door.

Maeve: 47.

Danny: Larry's at the window!

Maeve: Who's Harry?

Danny: When I was a kid my parents made me eat lemons.

John: Can I ask why?

Danny: They thought it was hilarious.

Gavin: We need to find some lepers and beat them mercilessly.

Danny: Ah that'd be a terrible crime, they'd be in bits.

Danny (after the disco): Straight back to Res, no staying around for the shift.

Howard: If you eat grass, you will get sick and die. If you eat cacti, you will get sick and die. If you eat mushrooms, you will get sick and you will NOT get high, you will die.

Caoimhín: Ronan, are ya wet?

Ronan: Yeah, wet like your ma.

Danny: John and Andrea totally read the Wiki.

Dee: Danny, tell John to stop hitting me!

Danny: He hits you?!

Dee: He hits me all the time.

Danny: Well, have you tried appealing to sexism, like 'you can't hit me, I'm a girl' or 'that's my sandwich arm'?

Danny: That doesn't mean you have to go into a bush.

Danny (upon seeing Rachel sitting on John, beating him with a shoe): Guys! Guys! Calm down! I'm not sure where to start with which rules you're breaking here, so I'm just gonna say KEEP IT PG.

Liam: What's my name?

Danny: You're not in my RA group.

Liam: Yes I am.

Danny: She's my sister, she KNOWS I'm a bad person!


Howard (mocking Zoe in a high- pitched voice): Hiiii!

I rceokn you are quite dead on with that.

Biomedical Diagnostics

Aaron: I'm only a kitten if I have mittens.

Aaron: Sure, it's ice-cream, want some?

Aaron: WAP burst our balloons! Please Aoibheann, can we get revenge?

Miguel:Still doing the rubik's cube, Shane?

Aaron:I have instructions if you want(gives them to Shane on the last day).

Sam and Ciara: Cardiovascular Fantascular!

Aaron and Gill: Behold the Mould!

Paul: Unstable Angina!

Did Colm just fall asleep during the project?

Sean: Who wrote team of owls on the board? I'm gonna be laughing at that all day.

Fiona: (opens tray of E. Coli) Wow, I feel so german!


Bév: "Charlotte.. are you wearing perfume? Cause you smell different.."

Charlotte: "Hey Bév, that top is very becoming on you. But then again, if I were on you, I'd be coming too"

Barry: "Girls are stewwwwpid"

Tommy the commie: "What the very PRO DRUG Charlotte is forgetting is that these people were drug users, they have no future.."

Charlotte: "WHAT.. WHAT DID HE SAY?! WHAT AGE ARE YOU?" *slams fist on table*

Edel: Charlotte, take a breath

Charlotte: I AM breathing!

Twelve Angry Men: "How could he have been at the movies and not remembered what he saw?"


Jack: Well none of us went to Highscope'

Niamh O R: The most important thing is that he's giving up. Like what kind of a judge is he?!

Jack: Ooooh! They kill Them after all!

Everyone else:God jack! You're supposed to leave a bit of incentive for us to actually try and finish reading the case

Bev: Oh Charlotte, you made me snort!

Charlotte: Oh Bev, you made me blush!

Juno: My hood keeps scaring me....

Jack: It used to be against the law to swear infront of a lady..

Niamh O R: Really? I can't imagine a world like that. So many things would be left unsaid.

- They be part of the thought out crimes. Like sexual assault.

Edel: Bench presses small cars while beating his children with the other arm.

Ailbhe: Ethnic cleansing. It's like the death eaters

Juno: Are you a computer?

Aoife L: *sigh* the things you could do to that boy....

Charlotte: There are people who push marijuana on kids....and that's weird, but..

Edel:...You will fall asleep, which will leave others in your class to sleep with you.

Constance: You're like a Venn diagram!

Constance: Shhh

Jack: No!

Aoife: Shut up!

Jack: NO!!!

Constance: If you don't shut up I'mma sit on you!

Finnuala: It's a government conspiracy!

Aoife: TOUCH HIM!!!!!!!!

Barry: It's hard to generate media coverage without like....breaking stuff.

Laura: Barry, Charlotte, you'll have to close your eyes for this part of the activity

Niamh O R: Or just meet each other, whichever works.

Jack: Where's that noise coming from?

Constance: It's you

Juno: Stare at the people who are talking...

Edel: So you'll have computers tomorrow night where you'll-Niamh got sinburnt!- Work on your presentations.

Niamh O R: So the lethal injection may not be quite so lethal

Aoife: There's a chance you might accidentally burn down your house.

Niamh O'R: Basically, we should just nuke the world.

Niamh O'R: The jellybean killed the whiskey!

Jack: I still function, I just laugh a lot and wriggle a bit.

Caitríona: (while talking about a teacher of hers) Like, she is REALLY boring. She could put a hippo to sleep.

Barry: I'd kill the fat guy. He made the decision to eat McDonalds all his life...

Jack: You'd hate yourself for the rest of your life.....But yeah I'd still kill him.

Edel: If someone decides to run down the quays, jump into the Liffey and announce mid-fall that you can't swim, sooner or later, Laura or myself will have to jump in and save you.

Constance: The amount of lives you could save with using the death penalty....

Constance: We want them to suffer! They should be stressed before they die.

Catrin: Kill a few off so we can have more space in prison.

Jack: I dropped a blue pen and picked up a red pen...

Constance:(to Barry) Charlotte's your grandmother?!

Constance: Aoife is rapeproof because she'll never say no.

Constance: Why does it say sand?

Aoife: It says UG15 you tool!

Edel: ........Suit wearing scooter drivers vs....leather clad bikers

Edel: I just picked up a knife and stabbed him for the rest of the hearing because it was so much fun!

Edel: They like to get back to their roots and.....slum it in the street.

Niamh O'R:(while discussing feminist criminology) Have they never heard of Oprah?!

Edel: Why do more men commit crime?

Ailbhe: They're compensating!

- It showa a very serious inferiority complex.

Edel: Washing Machines!

Niamh O'R: Live longer with Calgon!

Film Studies

Where did you get that hat?

Game Theory

IMPORTANT NOTE: Dee has just finished her Nevermore year, and so she will no longer be a quote monkey to you ungrateful swines. Bewm.

Dee: When that guy said 'the golden rule', you know what I was thinking?

Rachel: What?

Dee: 'It's OK when it's in a 3-way...'

Aidan: That's not to say politicians aren't people, I mean I suppose they technically are...

Dee: Why does everything we do have to do with sweets?

Aidan: Because I'm not giving you money.

Eoin: Ben thinks in binary.

Aidan: It was a dark and stormy morning and the kids at CTYI had decided to go into the woods and hunt for food...

John: I kind of want to write 'I, "I, Pencil"' and just talk about how much I hate this guy.

Ben: I've never hated a hypothetical blade of grass more.

John: You could be the guy that makes serendipity a adverb.

Dee: A adverb?

Adam: 'Milleniums.' I'm not reading this anymore.

John: Ironic is a word I throw around a lot, but I don't really know what it is.

Adam: They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Well the notebook is mightier than anything mankind has ever created.

Luke: I was mined in a mine by miners to make mine money to buy miner stuff.

John: I, plastic coated copper wiring...

Sid: My story of creation is surprisingly uninteresting.

Eoin: I am not as pretentious as the pencil.

Joseph: I, unfinished presentation...

Anna: Dee, what IS that

  • Class starts complaining about the 4 written on the board*

Louise: What is the biggest bird on earth?

Anna: Your ma.

Louise: Guys, stop discussing Anna's financial situation.

John: Rachel wants to tase fat people.

Rachel: No I don't, I want to tase Stephen Hawking.

Adam: It disturbs me that you're writing.

Gavin: I can't ad lib for shit ya bastard.

Dee: If they try and fail, no respect.

Jack: No, less than respect. Humiliation.

Aidan: We're two minutes into this class and already we're distracted by the pearl game.

John: This game is the pinnacle of this class! If I leave this class able to win this game, nothing else matters.

Dee: Doesn't he look like a genie more than a pirate?

Rachel: Nah, he looks more like a creepy drug pusher.

Ben: And besides, everyone knows that capitalists are dickheads and communists are corrupt.

Aidan: I'll eat it during the debate.

Dee: And you can't spit it out.

John: Or cry.

Anna: Ladies, gentlemen, John...

Anna: Dee... Seamus is grounded again.

Sid: Mafia is influenced by emotions, like the fact that everyone hates John.

John: Can I POI that?

Dee: I scored Rachel that night!

Louise: Oh no you didn't.

Rachel: Last night Anna and I were in the kitchen making some tea, minding our own business when suddenly I look down, I look right and there's a guy, lights on, blinds open, having a lot of fun.

Dee: However, perhaps the best example of game theory in How I Met Your Mother is The Naked Man.

Aidan: I was going to bring that up if you didn't...

Aidan: Dee, very good, if incredibly inappropriate.

Oisín: In every episode of Jersey Shore, the guys are faced with a situation. Not THAT situation...

Liam: So then the teacher gives them detention for being bad-ass mo-fos.

Liam: And Kyle has to make a decision of whether to Jew them out or not Jew them out.

Conor: You know what I think would work? Just go up to them, right and just go... FUCK OFF.

Ben: As you know, Nash had developed mathematical superpowers using schizophrenia. His only known weaknesses are little pink pills and people with red ties.

Dee: You guys are so gay.

John: Yeah, well, you're so... straight! Haha, John wins again.

Conor: They don't have Rubik's Cubes in Africa, they have AIDS.

Anna: John got a little sunburned.

Aidan: Even the sun picks on you, John.

Ben: I mean god knows there's enough Rattata to go around.

Conor: And John's happy, because he's got crabs...

John: Shouldn't probability have told you that you look 17...?

Aidan: I don't look 17.

Liam: Howard does astrology because astronomy is to mainstream.

Dee: Greg, this is why people call you Harry Potter, because you say you don't mind.

Greg: But I don't, because that means I look like Daniel Radcliffe and that's... great.

John: Speaking of swallowed - Louise, how'd it go with Howard?

Sid: OK, so lately I've been getting a lot of shit from Oisín about being Indian...

John: Aidan, can you swim faster than normal people?

James: Gavin!

Gavin: I'm not Gavin. Actually, I am Gavin.

Greg: Action Dave sounds like a bit of a douchebag.

Rachel: 10 points for Gryffindor.

Ben:Shut up Ginny!

Dee: John, we just had a touching moment. Don't ruin it.

John: I'm wearing a fucking sailor's hat, I'll ruin what I like.

Greg: I can totes levitate.

Anna: Guyyyys...

Anna: Guys, I'm well aware of the difference between feces and a foetus.


Anna: What's the plural of foetus?

Conor: Foetoads.

Aidan: Is this one of those study in-jokes? I forbid them.

Sid: Liam doesn't have any tactic.

Anna: You mean tact.

Sid: Yeah, he doesn't have any of that either.

Sid: Point of interest?

Danny: I'll point your interest...

Danny: She moves to France and all of a sudden she's surrendering...

Dee: John?

John: Yeah?

Dee: What?

John: Someone else is in control of my facebook, there's a dick on my arm and you're going to start this shit again. I will kill everyone.

Greg: Game Theory... The evolution of it and stuff.

James: Rachel, you're an inspiration for contraception.

James: I'll do Derv.

Conor: Please don't.

Sid: The number nine is shit. It's like, I'm nine. I'm not a double digit but I'm nine cause I'm retarded.

Louise: Bewm.

Louise: Shazayum.

  • class has just seen Aidan's webbed feet*

Anna: Guys, I missed it...

Heritage Studies

Dr Love our TA (He has a PHd in LOVE)

Connor and his starry vans trying to be "hip" but failing epicly

Vinnie: Do Shut Up!

Jake the baby Dino


Crows Vs. Octopus (Crows win Philip)

Vinnie: Look, I'm a wall... I would do a bog body, but you need a lot of space.

Jake: He wishes his sunglasses were as cool as mine

Colm: Snowball the flighing cat

Jake: I thought they only did that in Limrick

Vinnie: We'll be traveling with the unwashed so don't touch anyone

Our government that didn't even last half a day

The potato song: (sang to the tune of 'Milkshake')

My potatoes bring all the irish to the yard

And their like that famine was hard, Dame right that was hard

We could feed you, But we'd have to charge,

Da da da da da, potato party

Da da da da da, the irish are coming!

Connor (TA): I'm three days away from being an instructor

Sarah: You know whats standing in your in way?

Connor: Em....paperwork?

Sarah: Those three days

Vinnie is Chuck Norris in disguise

Everyone: SUPER CONOR!!!


Zoey: Just to clear it up, I am Roman Catholic!

Aina: Can women get prostate cancer?

Ian: Can you use morphine?

    Do you want morphine with that?
    Can you use codine as well?

Richie: It's my birthday! Raymond: It was your birthday yesterday!

-writing diseases on blackboard (which is really green) Aina:How do you spell 'arrythmia'? Someone in class: a-r-r-itmia.

Social Psychology A

Sorcha: What are handbooks?

Davin: You Double D Ditz!

David(TA): I mean if a black person walked into the room you'd be like oh look at their clothes and their- Rory: GHETTO BOOTY


David (TA): Davin...

Caoimhín: Who's looking at my ass?!

Davin: I am..

  • Sound of balloon popping *

Ayshan: Awwwwwwhhhh........

Rory: Is that your school uniform? You look like fucking Haryy Potter!

Davin: You pyscho freak bitch!

Rory:Is that Ronald McDonald? Crazy Bastard....

Sorcha: What happens if your vocabulary isn't am... big enough to understand the piece?

Davin: What word are you stuck on?

Sorcha: anticipatory?

Caoimhín: He kicked that cat, he kicked that cat because it attacked him.

Derv: That cats a wanker.

Sorcha: Whenever I move, I smell myself.

Caoimhe: I have a fear of public bathrooms.

Arlene (Teacher): Oh is that cause of the movie where someone gets killed in a public bathroom?

Caoimhe: It wasn't until now!

  • Davin farts loudly *

David (TA): Sorcha stop interupting the class!!

Danny: If you keep listening a priest appears.

Caoimhín: Really??!

Stephen:Do you know what antidisestablishmentarianism is?

Sorcha: A vet...?

Caoimhe: Yeh but what if the person isn't physically attractive? Then you're screwed.

Stephen: Yeh but they've got a checklist.


Everyone: Wooo!

Derv: Can you hire a prostitute to play with you? Cuz I really wanna get someone to make a fort with me.

Caoimhín: I mean I don't like girls that are 5 foot 13.

Derv: So 6 foot then?

Arlene (Teacher): But what's the problem with Marilyn Manroe?

Danny: SHE'S DEAD.

Ayshan: What exactly is Game Theory?

Ellen: Aloada shit thats what.

Anyone: Hey Ellen

Ellen: Oh shut the fuck up.

Anyone: Hi Ellen

Ellen:*Sticks up two fingers*

Sorcha:Melonoma sounds like a fruit.

Derv: Or a state of hypnotism

Sorcha: Would you like a slice of melonoma?

Derv: You are now in a state of melonoma

Sorcha: Its funny cuz its actually a tragic skin cancer.

Danny: I mean if Global Warming is so bad imagine what Global Hotting will be like

David (TA): Well Danny if there's stones in your ear you had better go to the site office.

Arlene(Teacher): Has anyone done anything they're really proud of?


Sorcha: OH I made a priest cry once!

Social Psychology B

Rachel (Instructor): So I'm guessing you're ready now?

Elizabeth: No, we just have mustaches.

Ryan: On a scale of one being stealing a penny sweet and ten being mass genicide, how illegal is it?

  • While watching a Nazi propaganda film*

Ellen: MAZEL TOV!!!

Cormac: Look outside, there's Asians!

Elizabeth: MAZEL TOV!!!

Kate (T.A): If no one wants to present theirs I could talk about the history of moss.

Ryan: I want to hear the moss story!

  • later on* Rachel: I can't believe you'd rather hear about moss than do your presentation!

Ryan: In fairness, moss is pretty interesting!

Adam: Can dogs be prejudiced?

Kate: No eating of Blainid's garment during study time.

Caroline: *points to a word she wrote in her essay* Is this a word?

Ellen: No Caroline, "persuasing" is not a word.

Ryan: (Talking about the Bulgarian slave Ellen keeps under her bed) Ellen and him stay up all night playing chess!

Elizabeth: With their pieces!

Elizabeth: (later on) Check-mate.

Kate: Wat's that orangey-yellow thing under your collar?

Ryan: Oh I see, it's an experiment!

Cormac: Did you really just realise that now? It's like me saying "What's that bright yellow thing on your top?".

Ryan: *looks down at his bright yellow top* But it is bright yellow!

Cormac: THAT'S THE JOKE!!!

Ryan: ...You're a sly one.

(Ellen goes up to Kate after she was having dinner with the rest of the T.As)

Ellen: So, you were eating with the Social Psych A T.A?

Kate: Well yes, T.As generally eat together.

Ellen: But you were talking a lot!

Kate: We had things to discuss.

Ellen: Think contraception. *walks swiftly back to the table*

Margaret: 'Cause the perfect race was supposed to be tall, blue eyes, blonde hair-

Jason: Why thank you!

Margaret: You're not tall.

Caoilfhionn: You think of potatoes, and then you think of Irish people so you feel proud.

Niamh: Really? I just feel hungry.

21st Century Technology Skills

Daire: Why is my youtube recommendations filled with horse porn?

Casey: You signed out in mid-conversation. You must be a horrible person... my feelings are hurt :( Die Cara, die!

Cara: I love you too Casey.....

Rory: Conor. Conor. Hey Conor. Conor. Coooooooonor. Conor Conor Conor Conor Con....

Conor: What???!!!!!!!

Rory: Die.

Daire (talking about UP): Ye whats weird about an old man in a big house with a small boy and lots of rubber.

Donnacha: Ah lads come on there's 12 year olds here

Cara: For my birthday, Instead of going on a helicopter ride, I'm going on a tractor ride!

Daniel F. : ACHOOOOO *sneeze*

Robert: The awkward moment when an Atheist sneezes....

Casey: Did you know that the word pen comes from the Latin word for penis, and you guys are all stabbing Cara with your pens............

Robert: How much does a polar bear weigh???


Stephen: Why did the man put cheese on his sandwich?

Daire: Why

Stephen: Because he wanted f**king cheese on his sandwich!

Daniel F. : That question makes no sense. Men don't make sandwiches. That's why we have women.

Cara:70 VIEWS!!! LET'S MAKE IT 100!!

Lucy: Cara if you dont shut up...

Cara: I promise I'll shut up at 100

Cara (minutes later) : 100 VIEWS LETS MAKE IT 200!!!

(Natalia quietly refreshes Cara's page)


Cara: I will at 200.

(and on and on and on)

Daire: Oh Yeah, Facebook earphones!!

Dylan: These earphones are the single most awesome ever made. No, wait, it wasn't made, It was supernaturally formed when Mark Zuckerberg and Chuck Norris merged together.

Daire: Hristo, was that your sister?

Hristo: No that wasn't my F**king sister

Daire: So it was your other sister? The one you don't F**k?

Dylan: (singing) Cara, accept my friend request on Facebook

    • 5 minutes later

(still singing) Cara, poke me back on Facebook

Cara: OMG Casey, You're from England, you live in Waterford, but you have an Australian accent! am I the only one that finds that strange?

Casey: My accent is the definition of sexy.

Daniel F. : Ha, Lucy, you live in Limerick

Lucy: So?

Daniel F. : So don't they stab people there?

Lucy: You know I'm sick and tired of people saying that Limerick is stab city, but its not!!! We've moved on!!! We shoot people now.

Tadhg: I hate twitter.


Tadhg: I just don't get the point.


Tadhg: And the name is stupid.



Lucy: you too daire, really

(and on and on until...)

Daire: ooh, cara, ooooh, I'll nave to make that...800 views

Lucy: right! (stands up and goes over to Daire swinging 2l bottle of pepsi)

(Lucy walks in with carton of milk)

Everybody: really, Lucy. Milk?

Casey: You are a horrible human. Now I will eat you! Nom Nom Nom!

Daniel F. : So hows Stab city?

Lucy: The people in Limerick are actually really nice.

Daniel F. : Yeah, They stab you, then give you directions to the hospital

Lucy: Exactly

Outside Grand Canal Theatre on the Way to facebook

Lucy: Cara come pole dance with me

Casey: Can I record it??

Tadhg is looking at Pokemon on his computer.

Rory: Oooh, look, a Pokemon! *turns off Tadhgs screen*

Tadhg: Heeeeeeeeeyyyy!!!

Casey: Did you know "Rawr" means Fuck You in Dinosaur

Rory: Cara, what exactly is your role in making this movie?

Cara: Well, I laugh at you and Robert, talk about it on Facebook and remind you not to forget your bag.

  • The evening after of our trip to Facebook

Sean: OK guys, write a blog entry about your trip to Facebook and about how Facebook works.

Tadhg: What is Facebook exactly?

(Collective groan)

Daire: Tadhg we just spent the whole day at Facebook!!

Tadhg: Yes, but what's the point of it???

Dylan: There is no point Tadhg, its for fun.

Tadhg: Well that's stupid.

Cara: Fight like a man, not a duck!

Casey: ...

Cara: Did anyone see my Facebook frisbee?

Natalia: So, who's gonna draw?

Stephen, Natalia and Casey together: Not me!

(All look at Daniel)

Daniel: I'm not drawing! Whenever I draw something, it ends up looking like sperm!

Casey: Natalia has accepted the fact that I am epic.

Natalia: That's disgraceful.

Casey: That. Is the definition of epic.

Cara: Did you see your man there doing the backflip?

Everyone on the bus: SHUT UP CARA!

Sean: blah blah blah...(lecture about something really boring, nobody's paying any attention to him)

Rosie -other teacher- (tweet): Did you know there is a chewing gum association?

On the Way Back from Facebook.

Cara: OMG there's some lads over there who are going to jump into the canal!!! Lets watch!

Natalia: Eh Cara, isn't that kinda stalker-ish.

Cara: Not really, they're just so cool.

A few mins later

Cara: Omg he's going do to a backflip! Everyone look! Isn't that so cool

(And so on)

At the bus stop, Cara is still talking

Everyone: Cara just the hell up

Wrtie, Act, Perform

Stalin, stalin, stalin, stalin AWWW YEAHHHHH

Gingey: We can't have our play in the Larkin- the cubicles are too small!

Gingey: My shoes aren't gay, that's a lie! They're supergayawesome!!

Ciara (TA): If you don't behave I'll take away your Stalin Time!

(while playing Just a Minute)

Ciara: You shout Bzt! for hesitation, repitition or deviation

Gingey Bzt! Masturbation!

Ninja: It doesn't start till she comes into me!

(watching Labyrinth)

Fionn: That owl is a paedophowl!

Seosamh: No Mark, I will not go into an orgy with you!

Gingey: And people are rhyming it so that makes it even more offensive!

BZZZT! Naoise!!!

(Interviewer Woman walks into room)

Gingey: Stalin put Lenin on a leash...

Alexis: Hands up who wrote down Paedophile on their list? *everyone puts up their hands*

Claire: We have 3 banned topics in the class: Dead Babies, Commuters and Gingey

  • plastic bag blows around*

Izzy: Look! It's Katy Perry!

Louise: Hey Darren, did you squish my muffin?

Alexis: Is it the little boy going shopping with his plastic bag?

Gingey: No! He's using it as a parachute!

Fionn: No, he's being taken away by Kevin!

Maria: Does anyone know the name of the book he [Aristotle] wrote?

Alexis: Harry Potter

Clodagh: Fuck your Happy Berries!

Alexis: Does the boy like Tupac or Biggie?

Gingey: Pepsi or Coke? Adidas or Nike?

Alexis: East-side rapper or West-Side rapper, like which side of America do his gang affiliations lie?

Alexis: If Gingey was like naked and waxed from the neck down and covered in oil - would he still?

Gingey: Can he do the Cadbury's eyebrow thing?

Alexis: Would he have like peperoni pizza or margherita?

Clodagh: Does he like cut his hamburger in half or eat it whole?

Izzy: I love the choruses of paedophilia that come from our room..

Daire: It's okay Izzy, it's an easy trap to fall into - The Paedophilia trap!


Natalie: Ben goes into the donkeys

Natalie: So we have to take off our shifting clothers...

Alexis: Bah! Shoo, shoo, you Hollywood Communists!

Ciara: It's Dju like "Jew", and gas....

Niamh: I miss our old room, the commuter pond was so inspiring.

Meredith: His mother doesn't even know what a diaphragm is!

Daire: Actually where is Little Jimmy's mother in the play?

Izzy: That's what happened Last Christmas...

Mark: She told me she was sixteen!

Ninja: New quote for you! She said "Ninja has lines in every play!" and I said "They're not lines!"

Izzy & Daire: ...I don't get it...

Ninja: Cause they're not lines, they're actions!!!

Izzy: ... would've been better if you said "I have lines in every Mother!"

Orlagh: Ninja's getting really into character with Gingey

Daire: I can nearly hear the pitter-patter of tiny Communist dictator feel on the floor!

Daire: What clothes should I wear?

Izzy: You have to look like an indie prick!

Alexis: Borrow Howard's clothes!

Daire: It's pantomime for the smartphone generation! They look it up and they're like- That's disgusting!

Mark: Now get out of this house forever!

Everyone: Awwwh :(

Gingey: Comedy! :D

Izzy: Alexis, put your clothes back on

Alexis: WHat do you think I'm trying to do?

Seosamh: Can I have a hug?

Ninja: But I'm not wearing a shirt...

Clodagh: Gingey do his nipples you cunt!!!!!!!!

Clodagh: It's like a dinosaur raping a pigeon!

Izzy: I think everyone saw a little piece of themselves in Ben...

Barry: No we didn't, fuck off

Alexis (as Myles): (group of builders walk by) Hey Boyyyyssss!!

Session Two: General Interest

Cian MacMahon (former CTYIer/speaker): If you want to wear a tiger suit, you DAMN WELL WEAR A TIGER SUIT!

Supreme Overlord/Seer of all/Colm O'Reily: It's hard to be an RA without a mobile phone, especially on field trips when you lose people.

Maria Luisa: Bitch please!!!

Kerrie: Shit waan.

Cathal: I love you in the brotherly sense.

Naoise: Yes, you do.

Cathal: I love you in the you-get-me-cutlery sense!

Ailbhe: I'm not sunburnt. Donal: SHE'S A WITCH!

Ogden: They'd have to change all the doors...

Jack: I've got a crazy but plausible theory Cathal: Will she capture your flag?

Cathal: I know what me plus you equals...

Naoise: Nothing positive.

Emily (Maths teacher): You can't move backwards in time.

Declan: I can!

Emily: Oh really?

Cross-dressed Declan: I mean look at me. Do I look like I'm limited by the laws of physics?!?

Peter: There's multiple kinds of insanity?

Naoise: If there can be multiple kinds of infinity, there can be multiple kinds of insanity.

Micheal: Free hugs, two for the price of one!

Peter: You should see my trench coat.

Naoise: Your Rolo coat?

Peter: No, it's not a Rolo coat. Well, it is a Rolo coat, but it goes with the outfit it's with.

Naoise: ...

Peter: Ok, it's a Rolo coat, but at least it's not Rolo wearing it!

Peter: Tell me if you need to change, I'm just waiting for my bag to arri-HOLY SHIT I'VE GOT A CROSSWORD!

Naoise: Declan needs to hold his gun or his sword will get dysfunctional.

Siofra: My legs are free! I think you can get in there!

Donal: You just f***ed time an space, are they pregnant now?

(Fionn feels Aoife's face with Naoise's hand)

Naoise: Aoife, stop raping my hand with your face.

Maria: No animal eats itself of its own accord. Eunice: What about under peer pressure?

Terry: I'll propel your pencil!

Naoise: Join the League of Pacifist Trolls, you get to troll people for umm...religion points!

Julia: It's a good year, you should go away for six months

Eunice: Please don't call me names, it hurts my feelings Jamie: Sorry Eunice Eunice: THAT'S A NAME!

Guy: I've never played the pokemon games.

Aron: Oh my god you have no life.

Guy: You're stupid. No offense.

Adam: Shoutshoutshoutshhhhh...

Guy: But you said I could ask them about the questions...

Fiona: Yeah, but you're talking about pokemon.

Micheal: (Wearing towel-hijab) Do I look like an Islamic woman?

(Treacy walks in)

Cathal: How long were you gone?

Treacy: I had business to attend to.

Naoise: I can see a pile of bodies outside the door.

Terry: You're getting blood on the carpet.

(Naoise is resting his head on the table, looking up)

Siofra: (Throws towel over Naoise's face) No ceiling for you!

Rolo: And-

Dave: Rolo? SHUT UP!

Ben: And I'm legally learning chall-

Dave: Learning disability.

Ben: Right, I'm disabled at learning.

Terry: Ow, I banged my funny bone!

Naoise: I'll bang your funny bone!

Terry: No, no, no. After this has healed you may bang my funny bone.

Micheal: Do I look like an Islamic woman?


Someone: That was yesterday.

Terry: Naoise, did you steal my ruler?

Naoise: It's in your hand.

Cathal: Lads, there's calculus on the board! Bit of respect please!

Siofra: It's ok, weenus rape, it's ok...

Fiona: (On Harry Potter) It's all about this guy called Ron Weasley.

Cathal: I can tell your mind stopped at "inbred".

Simon( with camera): Could you look a bit straighter please? Mike: Don't be such a homophobe

Meg: They threw my puppet out the window! General Consensus: He was a PEDOPHILE!

Cathal: Jamie can steal anything, even some girls dignity

Catrina: Us gingers have uses! Other: ......You're blonde.....

Ogden: The one true religion of the one cent coin!

Fran(RA): I've never seen Doctor Who Mike: HEATHEN!

Naoise: We're just two guys in Claire's looking for a model penguin. Not sexually confused at all.

Someone: Come on you sexual panda!

Cathal: Oh god! My sun cream exploded!

Terry: (About Alastair) Give him the heimlich manoeuvre! He'll vomit out money!

Cathal, Alastair and Izzy: We're the Holy Trinity! God, Magneto and Captain Planet!

The (real) Terminator: Necrophilia, the kind of rape where they don't fight back!

Aron: He carries a book everywhere.

Guy: So do I.

Aron: Yeah, but he's not you.

Guy: Fair point.

Megan: No I will not get in your wanking pants!

Siofra: You're the only one who can make it ejaculate!

Alastair: I wasn't there, I know what happened!

Siofra: So how does your wand work?

Naoise: Yes Megan, how does your penis work?

Megan: Batteries.

Howard: That's just Laura, she'd hug a homeless guy...who had a knife.

Raymond: The world would generally be a better place is everyone smoked pot

Meg: Did he just say that legalizing marowana is a form of eugenics?

Emma: The trees are in the way!

The (real) Terminator: That's what she said.

Jamie: Strange woman feeling my hair, this is disturbing.

Megan: He's not used to a woman's touch.

Naoise: (Referring to Karen's hair) Can we dye it rainbow?

Niamh: I like to stroke their sheepiness...their sheepiness, not their mammalness.

Naoise: Their mammalness would be their boobs.

Niamh: Let's stroke sheep boobs!

Naoise: And this tea did not take me several hours to get. I did not fight my way through a horde of barbarians to get it.

Terry: Yes you did, I saw you!

Guy: She brought it on herself!

Peter: That's the only way you can commit suicide!

Terry: I like mistranslations in lesbian porn.

Peter: (To Luke) Stop making up things! There's no such thing as a corset!

Siofra: That's Sasha.

Naoise: Yes, that is Sasha.

Siofra: Her actual name is-

Sasha: (Re-enters room) My name is Sasha for your information.

(Caelen almost drops the toffypops)

Naoise: Oh god not the toffypops!

Guy: They're so young!

Luke: Guy, stop being on the projector!

Naoise: (Referring to the blackboard) Because it looks like Not Nmax from here.

Terry: Dammit Naoise, learn to read!

Naoise: Terry, you wrote it down as Let Amax.

Naoise: Just carry your clarinet around with you, you'll get loads of girls!

Peter: Clarinetists get all the girls because we're better at fingering. And we know all the tongue techniques.

Naoise: (Creepy voice) I watch you change, Peter.

Peter: You've seen me change!

Naoise: No I haven't, you've seen me change.

Peter: Oh yeah...

Naoise: I'm so hungry I could eat canteen food!

Terry: Jesus christ that's bad!

Naoise: What do those signs mean? The ones with the ships from Star Wars?

Alastair: It doesn't matter, no one reads road signs anyway!

Eunice:(talking about Harry Potter) Where did they get all the gingers?

Fiona: (Talking about projectors) There's one in CG03 with a sticker saying "Do not remove". Shall I take it?

Naoise: Yeah, that's just meddler for "Take this, it's valuable!"

Kerry: They still talk about Mosses

Donal: Do you remember the holocaust?

Kerry: If Colm O'Reily told me to kill someone, I would

Kerry: I am a firm believer in castration

Naoise: And then I died.

Terry: But you're alive.

Naoise: I AM JESUS!

Terry: No you're not, Aoife Hardesty is.


Terry: She touched you?

Naoise: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Donal: The Lord is our saviour etc etc That's the abridged version of the Bible

Anon: Choke her! Kerry: She's Russian, she can handle it Patrick: That's what she said Donal: Yes, that is what she just said

Meg: I am NOT going to call God Dumbledore

Meg: What about respect of my believes? Donal: That doesn't matter

Julia: Have you ever seen Hotel Rwanda? (to Mike) Annabel: Because you should be in it

Maurice: You're supposed to worship Tigers!

Naoise: Fine, just don't worm your way into our relationship.

Maurice: I'm not worming my way in, I'm worming you out.

Naoise: My girlfriend is demanding I stop eating and go to the quad...resumes eating.

Gavin: Sean your innocence is so amusing.

Orla: His penis should star in a musical??!!

Laura (RA):I'm Law-RA.

Jack: oh yeah, we should set up a brothel!

Aoife: Fionn corrupted my story! Rebecca: like he corrupts little girls.

(while hugging Howard and Danny) Howard: You're being too smiley Ogden.

Jebet: Ronan is a ledge. Caitrion: I know.

Jebet: Total ledge, complete ledge, awesome ledge...

Caitriona: Windowledge.

Random People: "OHAIDER! HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?! YOU SO SEXY!" etc. (quotes from the movie "The Room")

Chinnie: I "slur" paid "slur" for "slur" that!!

Shauna: I'm so happy I could stab someone in the foot with my umbrella!

Ogden: keep your jiggle-stick jiggling!

"The President is coming, look industrious"

Shane: "Screw you and your modern technology!"


Maurice: "This made Frank sad." 
"Frank you have done fuck all with your life" 
"Frank, Telecoms salesman by day, tap dancing instructor by night."

Peter: You just got vagina-slapped.

Mia: I go down, not up.

Rosie: It's not just paedophilia she's also enjoying it!

Mustapha: I'm out of bed and its past half ten, WHO'S GOING TO FUCK ME?


Megan: My bra likes to say hello!

Wee Shane: 8.07 cos we're punctual paedophiles!

Shane Finn: "Paddy, I'm going to rape you in the arse!"

Mike:"Shut up Meg! Your not talented, except at prostitution."

Megan: Hey! Hey bitch I got your shit!

Gemma (To Jebet): I look at you and I just laugh.

Niamh C: It's like turtle rape. YOU JUST DON'T DO IT!!!

Niamh L: I can't smile, I'm thinking about the Holocaust. *Padraig bursts out laughing*

Jebet (talking about her bed): I just get into them. i like them when they're tight like that.

Jebet: Having sex does not give you lung cancer.

Niamh L (to Gemma): Oh, you're bony. YOU HAVE A PELVIS!

Shane: I never violated your shoes alright?! I didn't rape you either!

Ben Murphy (at the start of Bohemian Rhapsody at the disco):
Inspired by the Muppets version.

Ben Murphy: I am Bill S. Preston, Esq! 
Pirate Declan: And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan! 
Ben & Declan: And we're Wyld Stallyns!

Shane Finn: Sometimes I talk in my sleep and sometimes I shout and scream as well.

Everybody: Big booty bitches!! (Rollo pushes shane toward the group) Shane: No, I don't like big booty bitches, I like moderate booty bitches!

Meg:"It's a great job, except it's prostitution."

Pirate Declan: "Ben!! Ben Murphy, where are you I want you!! 
Shane Finn: "I'd like a bit of ben murphy too!"

Niamh: "Let's stroke some sheep boobs"

Hannah: 'The great thing about Naoise's hair is that he shares it with everyone. It's like a public service.'

- en route to museums - 
Tom: And here we have some lovely Georgian buildings.. 
Megan: Thanks for the effort. 
Tom: But they're so pretty, look at all the colours!

Howard (RA): "Polish women are either really hot or really ugly, probably because you can't tell whether theyre male or female..."

Jack: (when debating about state expenditure on space exploration): I don't believe global warming exists at all, it's all a myth... If they find a new planet, they are just going to head off to that planet leaving us all here to rot and die.

During disscussion: "What's possibly the dumbest animal?" 
Mike: "Meg."

Terry: "I think you're picking on Meg, but I condone that."

Jessie (after Ellie kneed herself in the face): And it went... thump!

Molly (discussing sex palaces with Ciara): If you build a sex palace they will come.

Sasha: "Of all the countries I've ever visited, Ireland is my favourite." 
Donal: "That's because I'm here. I'm Ireland's only greatest attraction!" 
Sasha: "That would be a bit disappointing..."

Sports Erection: "Aw man I so fucking erect."

Catherine & Ann (with some help from Maurice): I have a fever.. DISCO FEVER.

Shane Daly: "Hey Shane come over here" 
*Shane Finn walks over* 
Shane Finn: "What is it?" 
Shane Daly: "I was wondering if you could......... ehhhhhhhh........" 
Shane Finn: "I walked all the way over here so spit it out". 
Mark Hanley: "He wanted for you to teach him how to shuffle". 
Shane Finn: "What, how to shuffle cards"?

Meg: "I used to really like Harry Potter... then I left primary school."

"This made Frank sad..."

"Frank is inept at being over 19 years of age"

"And Frank turned into a beautiful swan, but was still inept at everything."

Megan Dunne: " Yorkies not for girls, It's for pimps and whores"

Meg: "He has teachers in his school, the rich bastard."

Hannah: 'I have never before feared a piece of bread this much.'

Niall: "This is how you roll down a hill like a real man!"

Ryan: I'm a fucking charmer.

Niamh: The fuck adds charm!

Méabh: Dermot can be my stud!

Dermot: Méabh wants me to be her- *monotonous giggle*

(At the Botanical Gardens)

Sasha: "Let's throw Cathal into the fountain!"

Luke: "No, Sasha, don't throw people in. Throw a thing in."

Sasha: "But a people is a thing!"

Peter: It's like lesbian porn if I can't see Luke's face...

Donal: "They're quite good books if you're a smarmy 12-year old."

Cian (the almighty creator of this site): "If you wanna wear a tiger suit, you may damn well wear one!

-Sports Erection gets the football-
Everyone: No Conor, don't do it!
Sports Erection: It's OK! Look, completely plastic!

Maurice O'Neill (at Passion Fruit): "How do I start this speech? I mean, what the fuck? I'm standing here pretending to drink snapple! Anyway, I had a dream, and in that dream, were robots, androids, mushrooms..." Excellent speech.

Maurice O'Neill: "Your Friendly Neighbourhood Black: This is a fantastical tale of wonder and mystery, the origin of why black people everywhere enjoy eating chicken daily. It all started a long, long, long time ago, when a man shrouded in mystery and wonder known only as Black Jesus, or Mr. T to you uneducated fools, was walking through a valley filled with mystery... and wonder. He came across a small village that had been ravaged by some sort of magnificent beast. Black Jesus came across a small child cowering in the ruins of the village and asked him what mystery and wonder had befallen the village. The boy told him about how a magnificent beast had been angered by the villagers and came down from it's magnificent mountain cave to attack the village magnificently. Black Jesus then travelled to the magnificent cave of the magnificent beast high up in the mountains of magnificence. There he came upon a huge avian like creature. It was featherless with magnificent golden brown skin, bones protruded from it's magnificent legs and it's head had been cut clean off. Black Jesus tried in vain to pity this particular fool but found that it was too magnificent to pity. They then engaged in an epic battle of epic proportions that destroyed all in it's path until they were both brought to a complete stand still. Neither could get the upper hand until Black Jesus tricked the beast into crossing a road, whereupon it was hit by a car... A magnificent car. Black Jesus then pitied the fool into oblivion defeating it. Black Jesus feasted upon the flesh of the beast to gain it's powers of magnificence so no fool would ever be too magnificent to pity. Black people everywhere now enjoy chicken in honour of Black Jesus' victory of said beast of mystery and wonder. It is also said that areas where the blood of the beast was spilled have become the sacred holy grounds now known as KFCs, everywhere. And that dear children, is why black people like fried chicken."

Nicole G to Daire and Meg (on separate occasions): "You look like a homeless nun."

Alan: In public school we have to spend lunch working in factories and mines

Danny the RA (at the quiz night): Points points points! (repeated many times by many students on many occasions)

Dave the RA: Lads Rape isn't funny. Incest is funny but rape isn't funny.


Emmet: Mine was that his at some length. Time.

Peter: Really, Luke? Pornography in space?

Peter: Bone yourself in the face

Jebet: I HAVE SEVEN BOOBS AND THEY'RE ALL HORCRUXES! Gemma: The extra five are hidden in your afro!

Meg: He's not a paedophile, he's just a puppet!

Sinéad: Hi, I'm female, and I need a kidney.

Deco: Havent we talked about something like this each and every year we have been roomates? Dan: Yeah.... Deco: It didnt work out then did it? Dan: Hmm.... Im nearly cartain itll go well this year though

Giovanni: I want to take you to a Mark Finn

Fionn: My God, the amount of times my teacher said penis today!

(Book club) Quizmaster: What is Ellis Bell's real name?

Ryan: Is it Bruce Wayne?

Quizmaster:Name the Third book in the Millenium Trilogy.

Chloe: Book Three!

Terry: I don't want your AIDs, William!

Terry: n=1(can falls over)

Fionn: Aah, the spit flew off and flew into my mouth

Fionn: S-E-M-E-N. S-E-A-M-E-N.

Nate: There was a misspelling somewhere along the way.

Mustapha: This is pretty hard.. . Fionn: That's because it's my knee.

Alex: Guy, your ability to have a conversation while others are talking about sex is unparalleled.


Mustapha: "It won't break because it's curvy."

Niamh: "like a womans body"

Emmet, Niamh and Allyson and Aoife: "Team damn sexy"

Emmet and Allyson (with a little help from Mustapha): "A sportalian took our paper sample.

Allyson (in a sportalian accent): He threatened to kill my family."

Niamh: "Aisling! Help me! Emmet's bullying me"

Aisling walks over: "Are you okay?"

Niamh: "Yeah, I love him really, but he scared me."

Aisling: "Emmet, I thought we talked about this!"

1 aisling = 6 feet

Chinie:well I'm sorta on the side of the farmers because I live near farm- well because I am a farmer.

Oisin: HA!

Mat: "If you fire a chicken at a piece of kevlar, it won't go through. But if you fire a chicken at a tshirt, it will."

(Naoise introducing himself at the first RA group) Naoise: Hi, I'm Naoise. I like...... women... I dislike...... ehhh... Voice: Children! Naoise: Oh, I LIKE children!


too funny for quotes

Behavioural Psychology A

David (TA): "We are debating against the Computer Games group and our motion is 'Video games are dangerous because they are addictive'. What could their counter-arguments be?

Someone or other: "The addicts might already have had problems in their lives."

David writes counter-argument on the chalk board.

Grace; i am NOT a goataphile !

Megan,Carrie,Grace & Niamh: Totes soz babes!! Totes awks babes!! Totes welks babes!!!

Sarah: We're like a Lesbian Cult! *the entire computer gaming class turn and stare*

Niamh: You wouldn't remember it, it happened in the middle ages

Carrie: i'll just keep talking like a pig eating small children

Danger Dave: I do have a gender......and its male

cathal; who here has NOT done Grace ?? *scilence * so we have all done Grace !

Siofra: Twincest ....

Niamh: He savaged her neck like a hungry wolf

Siofra: If you tentbang too hard you get a hole in your tent and have to use duct to fix it

(Sportalians chanting outside) Siofra: It's a Sportalian mating call!

David (TA): Your story has to make sense. Siofra: What if I struggle with sense?

Eimear (describing how her Utopia would start): So some really cool people would meet somewhere and all the ladies would have babies...

Gabi: Hi, I'm Gabi, and I shit out windows

Abbey: Let's all smoke salvia!

Gabi: I killed my children and ate them

Gabi: Let's all do heroin and get dirrhea

Eimear: Good friends don't shave for each other#


Cathal: Who's hair is this?

Gabi: After listening to Friday, my brain is dripping out my nose.

Adrian (about how to get people to her Utopia): We could shoot them out of cannons

Adrian: I'm awesome

Someone: God, Adrian! Adrian: Yes?

David (TA): I'm way more punk than Avril Lavigne!

Sasha: What does LMFAO stand for? Romy: Laughing On The Floor...umm...Rolling...Aggressively? No, wait...ignore me.

Sasha (to Cathal): Go die in a well with your fluorescent ham SPAR roll!!!

Megan: The experiment was wrong, but the results made it productively wrong.

Siofra: When I grow up, I'll have a circular room, and I'll tell my kids to sit in the corner. Then they'll learn.

Adrian: We like sweets, but it's not like we're gonna kill each other for them. Sasha: Oh yeah?

"Look what I can make Pavlov do: every time I drool, he smiles and writes in his little notebook."

Niamh & Megan: Adrian, you get more amazing with every day that passes. I mean, yesterday Nate got money just because he's your brother!

Megan (on the Utopia): And we'd have homeless shelters for rehabilitation and- Marie: Why would there be homeless people in your Utopia? Where would they come from? Megan: Well, we could, like, take them from the outside world.... Niamh: You want to KIDNAP all the homeless people???!!! Megan: No, no, they'd sign a form

Behavioural Psychology B

Junior Minister for Education: """""Intelligence""""".

Hazel BSc (hons) MS: This is what they call normal.

Peppy Nephrine: Hitting people really, really hard feels really, really good.

Conor: There's a name for that voice in your head... Naoise (whispered): Schizophrenia.

Mark: I don't buy shoes, I just have these.

Dónal: A catholic queen who doesn't know how to put on a fucking cardigan!

Jebet: At this stage, we're developed enough to bang other people

-talking about Charles Manson in class- Naoise: Jazz Man ??!

Fionn: Lust leads to a ring leads to a baby. Niamh M: Yeah or lust leads to a baby, leads to a ring.

-Watching Wizard of Oz- Only bad witches are ugly !

Kerrie: Oh my God you just fucked me in the face.

Fionn: Hard-on Catholics.


Kerrie: It's like the Coke ad when it shoots the kids out of the hole.

Conor: Niamh(McDermott) is Histrionic.


Méabh: The zoo should be good tomorrow. I hate the zoo. Aoife (trying to laugh): *Strange noise*

Aoife: I can't decide whether my feet are wet or not. Méabh: This is what the top minds of the country are preoccupied with. Aoife (laughing): *Slams face into Kittie's wet umbrella*

Aoife: Monkeys seem to scratch themselves alot. Ailbhe: Well I'm sure you don't scratch yourself... *trails off*

Mark: I'm addicted to coffee... no, it's just hot, creamy liquid.

Mark (to Catríona): You have my consent. No matter what.

Kid at the zoo talking about the wolves: She's two timin'.

Kerrie: Shit waan!

Mark (singing): Don't forget your shovel if you want to go to work.

Aoife (constantly): That's a quote!

Kittie : All European teenagers are drunk smokers, but all Americas are high and pregnant!


Méabh: You can't just hoard photos like a squirrel ready for winter!

Kerrie: *Turns around and runs back to her room* Shit! I have Mark Twomey!

Hazel: What's the common misconception then ?

Naoise: That I'm a bad boy.

Kittie: Abstinence is 100% effective

Jebet: No it's not!

Niamh: You're sexually frustrated, NEXT!


Áine: So they like kill their parent cells?

Sophie: *to Imogen* Your voice has like a weird tint in it.

Ellie: What's the opposite of different? Oh wait...

Shane TA: What's Maria-Luisa's number

  • no-one has it

Ellie: I wish I did...

Áine: Oh so stem is short for somatic?

Ellie: What's a consortium?

Shane TA: It's like a big group of people coming together.

Dermot: Like the Illuminati.

Ellie: Did you just say like an orgy?

Imogen: They're the mitochondria!

Lucyana: No they're not, they're the ganjy stuff!

Imogen: If you're my newbie then what am I to you?

Lucyana: ...Imogen?

Gavin: Let's play with the beach ball!

Lucyana: Aw but that might hurt.

Imogen: But a beach ball is the most least hurting ball!

Imogen: I promised I'd lend myself to her...OH NO WAIT, I meant I'd lend my colours!!

Catriona (teacher): In RNA you have uracil instead of thymine.

Imogen: Duracell?

Catriona: What's true-breeding?

Dermot: Like unpolluted breeding.

Gavin: No Mudbloods.

Catriona: Peas don't have eyes.

Imogen: What about The Black Eyed Peas?

Catriona: What can we say about this chart?

Seán: They were normal when they met...

Ellie: Three weeks of solid intercourse.

Jessie: Don't say it out loud!

Gavin (to Imogen): You're so awkward.

Lucyana: We're hydrogen!

Imogen: Well you could change a lot of letters and make cock.

Lucyana: What?!

Alice & Seán: Private school high five!

Gavin & Áine: Country school high five!

Dermot: I go to a Christian Brothers. I have no repressed memories at all!

Catriona: Use your forceps to put it on the slide.

Ellie: I'll use my BICEPS!

Seán enters the room and moves to sit beside Gavin and Dermot. Suddenly when nearly there he turns around and hesitates for a while before sitting beside Alice & Áine.

Gavin & Dermot (repeatedly after above incident): Oh we see how it is.

Gavin & Dermot (repeatedly after same incident): Seán you're such a dick.

Gavin: *looks at Dermot's cheek cells under microscope and sees GIANT cell* Dermot what's inside you?

Dermot: Is it strange that I feel vaguely proud?

Dermot: *talking about Áine's undercut* Is it weird when you come out of the shower and one side of your hair gets dry really quick and the other doesn't?

  • Harry Potter slideshow messes up.

Imogen: What?

Dermot: Magic. That's what.

Lucyana: How does being gay make you a guy?

Rebecca: Everyone here is older than me, apart from the people who are younger than me.

Áine: Pigeons and Americans, I don't know which I care less about.

Áine: Emm Gavin have you ever seen a checkered pigeon?

Lucyana: Is it just me who finds it REALLY weird that all these people with rare diseases keep finding each other?

Áine: Yeah like Like this: *reads from class book.*

Larry and Lola Little have achrondroplasia, a form of dwarfism. Their son Big Bob Little is 7' 1". They obviously just stand on each other's shoulders and pretend they're their son.

Seán: It's like an ad in the paper "Looking for someone with achrondroplasia?"

Áine: "To make a giant son with."

Gavin: But they can't mate, that would be incest!

Lucyana: They're self-pollinating plants!

Gavin: No they're not, they're pigeons!

Gavin: We were doing a human pyramid and Seán was on top of me, he has really fat knees

  • ten seconds later.

Imogen: I felt like saying "Is that a dominant or recessive trait?"

Áine: We should bring her to our room and feed her waffles, I bet she's allergic!

Jessie: I'm just a porn novel waiting to be written

  • Gavin & Rachael doing project.

Gavin: Oh I found this report by Butler et al in 1965.

Rachael: Oh my God he has such a short surname.

Áine: Gavin I can imagine you when you're a surgeon. You'll be like "Hey, let's give him a second anus for the laugh, we'll tell him it'll be gone in two weeks." Or you'll rob a baby from the ward, give it to someone and be like "Oh you had twins, didn't you know?"

Sophie: *answering a question*

Ellie: What's (how she pronounced it) carry-ahj?

Catriona: Do you mean carriage?

Ellie: Oh..

  • five minutes later:

Ellie: That's not how, that's like, you mean a horse and carriage?

Ellie: Where do raisins come from?

Dermot: *talking about Ellie's confusion* It's like a constant battle with her own brain.

Sophie: Oh my God an Oompa Loompa is the spome derner!

Sophie: I was clean before I met you!

  • Dermot holds up a Rubik's cube, so does Shane.

Shane: What's with the cube?

Dermot: Yeah what's with the cube?

Shane: It's mine.

Dermot: It's her's *points to Aisling*

Shane: ...touché

Jessie: Shut up Áine.

Imogen: Can someone explain microbes to me?

Seán: Yeah!!....NAOW!!

Febreze Disease.

Seán: A pun from the Dunne is pun well done.

Jessie: See because there's a load of anal rape in prison *diagram of big buns*

Áine: Oh I just thought they were fat.

Jessie: She anally rapes herself with a teddy.

Seán: Mr. Fuzzy was never the same again. And he didn't come with the fuzz, I can tell you that.

I am confused: Aisling.


Sophie: Do we take the lid off?

Jessie: Dermot! Look at this video!

Dermot: This better not be porn

  • Ellie walks in and throws away her hat and jacket.

Dermot: It's porn.

Shane TA: What are you doing?

Seán: Laura.

  • researching debate.

Sophie: Guys we can't copy and paste that because that's propaganda.

Áine, Gavin & Seán: Don't you mean plagiarism?

Sophie: Oh yeah...


Áine: Yeah my dick's masso.

Jessie turns around to see Seán seventies disco dancing.

No explanation given.

No explanation needed.

Shane: Draw both of them.

Sophie: I thought you said draw a boat...

Shane: What colour is crystal violet?

Everyone: Violet!

Sophie: Purple!

Niamh: No, it's awkward.

Imogen: No it isn't, we just did it!

Dermot: Herp-a-derpes!

Jessie: That's not my llama impression, that's my face!

Seán: Jessie I didn't mean to say you have no boobs, you have lots of boobs!

Sophie: I've been doing it with my finger, do you know how sore that is?!

Áine: What does LOL stand for?

Seán: Ell oh ell.

Seán: *dubstepping to American Pie* MBPFCH MBPFCH MBFCH I CAN STILL REMEMBER!

Ellie: What's that word, it's like the opposite of castration, when you like chop off their head?

Seán: What do you call someone who works in immunology?

Catriona: An immunologist.

Seán: Oh I thought it might be immunist.

Áine: As opposed to communist.

Catriona: If you have a gaping hold in your cheek and someone licks it, then you'll get HIV.

Seán: Yeah you're like at the disco trying to get the shift but they're like "Sorry I have a hole in my cheek."

Catriona: The deltoid is near enough to your waist

  • silence

Ellie: *in English accent* At your bum...

  • Sophie puts a bit of ice-cream into Seán's face.
  • Seán SMASHES an ice-cream all over Sophie.
  • talking about Ellie's mum

Shane TA: And what's her name

  • Ellie has a hurt and angry expression.

Ellie: Ellie...

Shane: Oh so your name is the same as your mum's?

Ellie: wait...

Catriona: When can a virtue become a vice?

Jessie: Like being too honest?

Áine: Like ruining a surprise birthday party.

Jessie: Oh my God that's the worst!

Niamh: I wanna be a duchess.

Rachael: Don't you need a duch first?

Seán: Jessey smells so good, it's like Calpol and sex together.

Aisling: *to Shane* How many points do I have?

Business & Innovation

Sean: You're smelly and I don't like you... Giovanni: she's a ride

Jake(reading from textbook):there were many fatalities and only four people survived(starts laughing)

Ruairi:where do you hide your heroin? Jake:in my bloodstream.

Jake: wouldnt it be hilarious if it rained babies? Imagine the blood everywhere....

Jake: the corrupt thing to do is......

Jake: im on polos, painkillers, cigarrettes, speed, hennessy, vodka, do do do do.


Sarah: i would shoot myself.

Ruairi: (to jake) why are you under the table? Jake: i dunno

Connor: i lost the game Ruairi: what game?

Pretty much the whole class: jakes not right in the head.

Giovanni: our dragons den project is a silicon breast implant, and dildos as a back-up.

Jake's e-mail fail!

Conor (to Jake): You are now ready for the mental institution.

Lina and Ruairi: Jake spends too much time on the wiki

Jake: I wanna take you to a gay bar! Ruairi: Fuck off!


Computer Gaming

"Can you please stop applying poetic metaphors to Pacman sprites?" - Sean

"Yeah well I've never touched a girl!" - Shane

Playing Knutsac in study, Dave(TA) throws over-arm-
Everyone: That was over-arm!!
Paddy: It's okay, bitches can over-arm! [1]TA's response

"The centre for talented youth. The T stands for smart" - Mark

"MLG!!!!!" - Dylan

(talking about small person in the class)"How is he even here? He's like zero" - Simon

Rage comic made by TA [2]

"Evidence please?" - Sean owning in the debate(?)

" hey Cian wheres your thing? i want to put my finger in it as far as it can go!"-Dylan

Economics & Politics

Crisps: "I'll volunteer myself for this cause so long as I don't end up with a dawg...."

Matt(as France): As usual, we are only fifteen years away from fusion energy...

Meg: Can we listen to Hannah by the Freelance Whales?? Phil: NO!!!

Rollo and Ben: "international relations... With Elmo!!"

"Screw you and your modern technology" Shane Finn

I scared of breaking the Internet


Rollo: "the loafers market is a lucrative market!"

Shane: "Is everyone on bloody Facebook?!?"

Dermot [Calling out Meg's list of EU countries]: "Crete isn't in the EU. It isn't even a country!" 
Meg: "It's Cyprus, just spelled wrong!"

"We are a constitutional technocracy (withy elements of deliberative participational democracy)" 
Shane: "We are a brutal monarchic dictatorship"

Meg: "from now on I think we should refer to each other as comrades"

Everyone: NO!!!

Everybody: "friday, friday, gotta get down on friday, everybody's looking forward to the..." 

Shane Finn: "i'm a pioneer" 
Rollo: "how much do they pay you?"

Crisps:" i'm socialist..... later... Greed is good."

Everybody: "Meg, SHUT UP!!!!"

Pirate Declan: "i propose the immediate removal of all three Sportalian states from the European Union, we should employ contracted JCB drivers to dig up the borders of spain and italy and simply allow Sportalia to float away into the Atlantic ocean where they can be obnoxious and smelly without upsetting us"

Alan:"Iv'e got some L'Oreal pheromones."

Patrick(During the debate):"Unacceptable!"

Ben: "she's not speaking english, it's funny!"

Rollo (singing):" you can't play snake when you're just waiting..."

Shane Finn:" are there any political theories that just don't work at all?" 

Declan: "I want to be a school of engineering when I grow up" 
Ben: "I want to be a school of computing" 
Rollo: "I want to be a caterpillar!"

Hannah: "David Norris is incredible, he's like Paddington Bear, only human."

Ben: "If for some reason we end up getting David Norris's phone number, all of you are to enter it to your phones as 'Papa Nozzo'."

Patrick: "even when man lived in trees we lived in the same trees. Man trees"

Meg (singing) : Dont stop me now... 
Ruth: we've been trying.

Everyone during EU: "To the chair!"

Hannah: Oisin you look like a lonely wizard ....

Oisin: I am the lonely wizard- SO EXTREMELY POWERFUL- yet so inexplicably lonely


Niamh K: Will you be the supply to my demand?

Patrick: If you were the stock market, I wouldn't mind you going down

Shane Finn: My savings are after maturing

Sean: I'd put my CDO's in your investment bank

Rollo: I've got a bond- and it's going to yield tonight!

Niamh K: I want to see your supply curves


Patrick: I don't like communism, because then I'd have to share you

Patrick: Can I float my shares on your stock exchange?

Patrick: I think its time to merge our assets

Patrick: How do you rate my bonds tonight?

Gemma: junk status!

Patrick: Did you want to see my junk?

Crisps: Oooh looks like the lonely wizard isn't so lonely anymore

Gemma: If I had a euro for every time someone said that!

Alan: "Don't worry, Niamh, you'd make an excellent rape victim." 
[later] "But I meant it as a compliment!" 

Alan: "Hannah, you have a really big mouth." 
[later] "That was meant as a compliment too!"

    Hannah: "Yes the size of mouth helps you to win debates"

Rollo (very loudly in Trinity): I wonder what would happen if you put a baby in a garbage compactor

Meg:Would you recommend buying the book?
Dermot: I wouldn't not recommend it.

Alan: Axelrod, saving the economy one co-operation at a time!

The implications of the protestant work ethic are very interest-ing

Dermot: Economics isn't really...
Meg: An exact science?
Dermot: Yeah, "science", lets go with that

Dermot: I'm still *reasonably* young

Gavin: "Oh, oh, take that down!"

Rollo: *holds up computer mouse* LASER WAR!!!!!!!!

Elfwolf vs. Lonely Wizard at the LONELY SHOWDOWN (In a leitrim ghost estate)

Hannah: No wonder we are called the rebel county even the bacteria are afraid of us!


Hannah (during Street Spirit at the last disco): ALAN, GET ON THE F******* FLOOR

Dermot: This course course is like chewing gum for the mind...

Homer on video: $20 can buy me many peanuts...

Dermot: Ireland is so weird we need a footnote!

On youtube Class: SNAKE! SNAKE! 
Louise: ....Ok then

Oisín: I am the prime minister of Belgium and I have literally quit 3 times!


Dermot: The cleavage of the country... Alex: LOL

Dermot: Let's face it, there are sexier subjects!

The guys: The bondyeilds are too damn high!

Alex: Meg! stop hitting me. 
Meg: I'm not hitting you. (hits him again)

Phil (as Luxembourg): I think we should promote the use of coal and steel in Europe

Phil: Luxembourg feels that the EU is too large and should be reduced to the original six

The community for the trading of coal and steel for the benefit of glorious luxembourg

Alan: Just a quick question. Skirts as part of a uniform, why?
Niamh K: I don't know, I suppose the nuns like it
Alan: I think you find that the priests like them more

(While trying to convince Shane to dance at the first disco) Shane: I don't like dancing. I prefer to watch, in a non-pervy way

Dermot: They speak english in America.
Alan:Well, kind of

Crisps:I didn't exactly have breakfast
Dermot:That's not exactly my fault

Meg:So we haven't actually been bailed out?
Dermot:It's to do with, like, money on computers, y'know.

Dermot: The IMF, lender of last resort.

Alan: Farmers are over-rated and trade unionist are just troublemakers.

(after suggesting answers for ages)
Matt: I get what's wrong, they're all men!
Dermot: Correct.
Hannah: Meg said that ages ago.
Meg: and you ignored me 'cos I'm a girl

Niamh L: djwana go outside?

Alan: I have a superiority complex, that's the best type of complex.


Joss sensei: The cemetaries are full of smoke and the smell of, incense.

The moral of every Japanese folk tale: "bitches be crazy"

Don't worry about things like tidal waves!

Molly in the Chester Beatty Library: So the animals are having a rap battle..?

Ciara: Mark! Wash your hat!

Rebecca (TA): Mark is sleeping in the futon cupboard

"Don't open the box!"

"^_^ SPARKLEMOUSE ^_^!!!!"



Rebecca (TA): Pirates aren't allowed to speak
Pirate Mark: "That's racist!"

Joss: Unicorns exist

Ciara: Screw the maths experience!

Joss: Always air your futon!

Joss: These toilets are very modern... Maurice: Can they talk?

  • trying to figure out sunflower scene in Taste of Tea* Pirate Mark: Oh god, she ate the mushrooms from the botanic gardens!

Ichigan ga imasuka? [Translation] Do you have unicorns?

Never do a backflip or the giant sunflower will come out of nowhere and eat everything

Fap fap fap fap fap

Ciara: I'm pretty sure women can grow moustaches after menopause... Molly: Can't wait for sweet sweet menopause!

Maurice: Bird planes don't have sex with other bird planes.

Molly: That looks a little like you. Ciara: Is that you? Matt: Yes

Mark: You feel sorry for her until you realise she called you and idiot in last nights homework. Joss: Well that's allowed, even recommended.

Molly and Ciara: Are you Genki? Cause you're looking Genki?

Ciara: Imagine Mark becoming a geisha.

Matthew: "What doesn't have two thumbs and you only have sometimes? Surprise Ham!"

Ciara [to Maurice]: "Molly said you were a gay timpani player earlier?"

Molly: "I like sunflowers eating the Earth"

Joss [paraphrasing]: "My favourite episode is number 8. It has a group suicide" Molly: "Love me a good group suicide. Gets the blood flowing"

Orla: "Is that a REAL donut?"

Emma: "I like old people I just don't like eating them"


Joss [teacher]: "Rebecca (TA) and I might just turn up in your house dressed as hard gay"

Joss [teacher]: [while drinking a Reese's peanut butter milkshake] "My innards are starting to cry!"

Ciara: "I don't have a bladder"

Ciara: "How did that baby get there?" Joss: "When one bandit and a monk love each other very much..."

Joss:(After mishearing Ciara's question)"Do we just do acorns?"

(On pirate wednesday) Chloe: Kate, if you're a pirate why are you wearing a religious bracelet? Kate: To guide me through the seas of course!


Shane - I love Paramore

Rollo - The children are rebelling!

Nigel (the most amazing TA who has ever lived): Shane, why aren't you writing? Shane: I left my notebook in Grace's handbag. class; AWWWWWWWW

Holly Burns during study time- 'I awaken at night...' *ominousity at maximum*

Ellen's Sportalian swagger :)

Andrew: Where's Catherine? Ann: I lost her.. Andrew: I don't even know what to say to that..

We love you Nigel (:

Don't worry andrew, we love you too :D

‎Michelle: *accidently elbows me* 'Sorry..' Saoirse: 'Sorry for what?' Michelle: 'For touching you..' Saoirse: .....

Sarah:' O my God! That baby is so weird and shiny !'

Brian: 'Minty Fresh'

Michelle: 'I am NOT a rugby whore!'

Cork is the real capital like..

♥<3♥<3♥<3♥ The Holly and Dean Foundation ♥<3♥<3♥<3♥

Shane and Ellen: "They call me Fintan, they call me Charles.. thats not my name,thats not my name,no thats not my name" Sean: MY NAME IS NOT FINTAN !!!

Shane: omg, i love your dress!! Its like a whole load of dead spanish people havin a party. Clodagh: yeah, dead sportalians! Shane + clodagh: hehehehehe

The Maths Experience

Teacher: Emily | TA: Fiona

The Mayans, a society built on baking.

Micheál (with towel over head): Do I look like an Islamic woman?

Micheál and Tomás: Free hugs, 2 for the price of 1!

On Board: The Math Sexpie

Adam: The man has stamina!

Arran: Oh, we're supposed to sleep in those buildings?

Tomás: We have hair. Unless you're bald.

Tomás: They might be 5 or 6 metres tall!

Arran: And?

Tomás: They'd be cool!

Micheál: Do you think Pluto's a planet?

Tomás: No, it's a dog.

Peter (reading blackboard): Give three nipples... Oh.

Tomás: Is this Ben we're talking about?

Everyone: Yeah...

Tomás: Aww Ben's cooooool!

Marcus Du Sautoy (In documentary): You'll find these numbers running up and down pineapples.

Marcus Du Sautoy (reading a book): There's lots and lots of words here.

Guy: You're mean, I don't like you.

Luke: I would say "I love you too", except I don't.

Terry (counting off the board): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... ahhh they're getting too big.

Emily: The guys who are doing the origami group... I'm sorry that came out wrong. The guys who are the origami group...

Peter: Glitter gets everywhere, it's the herpes of art supplies.

Emily: If nothing happens, absolutely nothing happens!

Emily: There is a speaker coming this afternoon. His name is Ben and you all have to be very nice to him.

Peter: Can we call him Ben?

Emily: Err... Well yes, that is his name.

Fiona: You're so adorable. You're such a freak...


Fiona: I meant it in the nice way.

Cathal: Jamie can steal anything. Even some girl's dignity

Declan: What about three infinites? Then we'd have the Human Centipede and it'll work!

Daniel: So you want to put a third of a person in each room?

Tomás: They're just really short

Declan: What does a capital π look like?

Emily: It's just a manlier pi.

Declan: So it's got no curves?

Peter: So does that mean that infinity would be, like, there? *points*

Arran: So it's absolutely pointless?

Emily: No, there are knives involved.

Declan: Pirates have bodily functions too!

Luke: Shut up your face!

Daniel: Shut down your face!

Tomás: Do you know Pirate Declan's real name?

Peter (reading printouts): There's a pop-up ad on mine...

Tomás: Really?

Emily: Does 1 care what I'm doing all the way over at infinity?

PeterHell no!

Peter (regularly): Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Terry: Some of these references on Wikipedia are hilarious.

Emily: Really?

Terry: Yeah, like 'New Basal Iguanodonts from the Cedar Mountain Formation of Utah and the Evolution of Thumb-Spiked Dinosaurs'

Emily: Is that a paper title?

Terry: Yeah.

Peter: I'm going to name my first child after that paper...

Emily: Let's look at addition and... What're the other three?

Peter: That's the disadvantage of using a hairbrush around a girl.

Fiona: It's all about this guy called Ron Weasley.

Adam: Don't lie, it's all about Hermione. I mean have you seen Emma Watson?

Peter: I don't like sines.

Daniel: You'll make a terrible driver.

Luke: You bastard, slaps are so difficult to predict.

Arran: That's unnatural!

Luke: So's wearing clothes!

Peter: Hey Luke, we don't have Social Time today.

Luke: What?!

Peter: Yeah, we've some activity thing instead.

Luke: That's the worst thing I've heard in my life!

*Planet Earth theme song plays on-screen*

Cathal*gasp* Is that Coronation Street?

Luke: Think about it: 35 divided by Sarah... Wait... I mean seven...

*time passes*

Luke: I don't even know anyone called Sarah!

Luke: OK, OK, OK. Peter. Let me take the floor here... Y'see the thing about electrons is they go up and down...

Cathal: They always have a picture of a meteorite hitting the Earth, there's this big explosion, and then... Riverdance!

Peter: Am I a squid now?


Peter: I'm a cephalopod!

*days later*

Peter: I'm a polar bear now!

Emily: What's your favourite kind of sweet food?

Cathal: Err... Pizza?

Cathal: Make it out of the newspaper and the words will be your destiny or something!

Terry: I googled Sportalia and it came up in a paper. And then my phone died.

Annabel: Nom nom nom dead...

Fiona: I don't get doughnuts.

Cathal: Why? Are you vegetarian?

Terry: Clapgasm time!

Fiona: Emily's going to be late. She had problems with her car. Someone smashed her window.

Cathal: Oh my god, does she live on the Northside?

Emily: I've got a YouTube-y doohickey for you.

Emily: It's got a central blob, then smaller... blobby... wavy bits.

*Tranny Tuesday. Luke wearing a corset, skirt and his hair in pigtails*

Louis: What kind of friends do you have that own things like that?

Luke: Female friends?

Cathal: Fiona, show them the proof by three way!

Adam: Any mathematical proof by three-way is fine by me.

Cathal (regarding the above quote): Don't you dare quote me on that.

Peter: It's OK, I can quote Adam instead.

Cathal: No, no. Quote me!

Guy: The girl from The Incredibles?

Emily: Yep, she's Mr Fantastic too.

Arran: Scissors?

Emily: Yep.

Peter: But that's like two knives!

Arran: He's a person?

Emily: He was French, leave him alone!

Daniel: You can't know that! Uncertainty Principle.

Luke: Shut up with your uncertainty!

Cathal: Don't. Drop. The Toffeepops.

Guy: They're so young!

Cathal: Oh this isn't going to be about death is it?

Emily: OK... There's a magical happy boat. And every year it takes some of the cute rabbits off to magical happy land!

Terry: I taped my babies to the roof of my car.

Peter: Everyone look at Emily. Emily, don't be freaked out.

Emily: What? Why?

Peter: Because Cathal is not graceful when climbing over desks.

Cathal: Hey! Oh wait... I said that, didn't I?

Cathal: Remember we used the long thing? It was one of the harder ones.

Cathal: Call it u(x)

Treacy: No! Not u! I hate u!

Emily: Guys, put down your fingers. I can't believe I had to say that...

Terry: My hair just tried to eat my eyeball.

Treacy: You're putting in so much effort, but you can't get it out!

TreacyAwwwwww roight! Don't know why I just said that. It was so weird.

Peter: The windows are all running around outside! Err... No, wait, I mean they're all open.

Peter (quoting HHGTTG): Fiona's so cool you can keep a side of meat in her for a week! Oh, that sounds weird...

Treacy: I want to marry someone called Anakin and have a son called Luke.

Luke: And die in childbirth?

Cathal: That's a Clonmel thing: fighting for shoelaces.

Emily: Treacy! Wait, you're not Treacy, you're Naoise.

Naoise: Last time I checked, yeah.

Luke: Cathal is Churchill now.

Cathal: Ohhhhh Yesh!

Adam: Philosophy doesn't even have axioms. At least maths makes an effort.

Daniel: One plus one can't equal two because that makes me sad.

Arran: I'm not arrogant, just better.

Peter: Adam, move your sexy head, I can't see the rabbits.

Emily: In 1916, by a miracle, he solved the problem of Mercury's perihelion.

Peter: Meanwhile, we were shooting a post office.

Emily: Oh no. 'We' isn't normally spelled with a 'd'.

Emily: Ich bin ein adding in the timen.

Terry: His moustache is a singularity!

Evan: I can't say her name, but it's Japanese-y

Peter: We broke reality...

Naoise: Again.

Luke: We do that on a daily basis.

Luke: I killed all of the mole people [in Deus Ex]

Emily: You killed them? But they're poor!

Cathal: But now there's no more poverty!


Kate (TA): (silence during study on the first day) "Guys speak! We're all friends here...right?"

Amy: But I'm legal in the UK!


Kate: Stop, it tickles.

Heather = Princess Alfonso "Heather C. Grace" Le Bron

Kate: I had such a good one. Amy: Oh what was his name?

Kate: I'm going to shove this cake up your nose!


Amy: The people in my school, they're like... people...

Katherine and Heather: Kitchen! (on numerous occasions)

Eric: (referring to time allocated to prepare for the final disco) Is half an hour not long in girl world?

Sexy Fudge!

Heather: (to Katherine) You're so vain. Katherine: I'm not vain (while looking at reflective surface)

Om nom nom, Spongebobs face!

Girls of the class: And it was like Soooo Pink...

Amy: (During Taking a history) "Do you grow your own marijuana?"

Pádraig: (on numerous occasions) Awh hell no!

Entire class: (to the tune of "Like a Virgin"): "LIKE A SURGEON!!"

Amy: (At lunch) I'm going to my room to writhe on my bed.

Heather: Canabalists.

Katherine to Heather: "Heather, can I see the picture of my feet?"

Saoirse, while dissecting a heart: "I love the fat, it looks like chicken!"

Pádraig: "Imagine if people laid eggs instead of having children..."

"Organs don't grow on trees!" *Silence* "That would be a cool tree though" Donal

Katherine (TI): He imported a car, the first of its type in New Zealand! Eric: What was it, a Ford Focus?

Heather: (Screaming at Donal in the canteen in an agressive tone, while pointing) STAY THERE

Class: "oooooh............LATE" "TOFFEE POPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Heather: (at almost every opportunity) Quote!

Padraig: "What's Wilson's' disease?" Donal: "Concentrate on fucking pancreatic cancer"

Heather: Awkward giraffe no no, bom bom bom bom awkward giraaaaffe ;)

Amy: Loughborough!(pronounced luffbra) Class: Lough brock?

Heather: (During presentation) And there's a lovely picture of Adolf Hitler.

Katherine (TI): "these cleaners keep stealing things!" Amy: "Maybe they're selling them in a shop somewhere!" Hannah: "They stole our skin!" Katherine (TI): "The projector's not working................." Class: "CLEANERS"

Anonymous Female speaking to Amy: "I can be anything you want me to be..."

Heather and Kate: (While doing Gangster walk) We so Gangsta'

Hannah Dunne: "I'm such a girl, I can't even open a banana!!"

Fiona: Luke, you are my father.

Heather: (In bathrooms while getting urine samples) Hey guys, lets do this again sometime.

Padraig: (referring to a pedophile who lives opposite from a girl's school): "Who was naked, them or him?"

Everyone: Hevaaaaaaa! (referring to Amy's pronunciation of Heather.)

Mary S(in Blanch): "I'm gonna write my name and address on my arm in case I get lost!"

Mary S: I'm not a culchie, I live in the city of Nenagh!

Kate/Fiona/Heather: (At Leinster training session) Soo,,, you play rugby...

Kate: These shoes cost 400 dollars.

Ciara: Ciara is very tired today. Hannah D: Ciara is talking about herself in the third person... Amy: Ciara may have problems.

Kate: (Referring to Heather's phone) Ah, ah, ah, its vibrating.

Katherine (TI): "And now we'll move on to constipation..." Class: "YAY!!!"

Padraig: Omg,Laura...You are so tanned. You look like a Sportalian..! Heather, you look Irish. Heather: "Obviously, I'm as pale as a shite.."

Padraig: "Do you ever notice that despite heights everyone's hands are at the same level?" Heather: "That's handy..."

Katherine(TI): (speaking to Aidan) "You put on a very good bored face..."

Kate: "I am so odd with you right now..."

Kate: "Non, je ne suis pas une pamplemousse!"

Pádraig/Eric: (on numerous occasions) OH!!! (referring to Sandra Oh)

Amy: (after watching childbirth) Well its obviously going to be a gymnast.

While discussing drinking urine. Katherine (TI): Urine is sterile, you could practically drink it. Amy: Oh, they do that in the desert. Padraig: In Dorset?

Eric: Naaaaaaaaaaaah! (in a nasal tone)

Amy: It's like I say..Bullsugar.

Amy: I think a baby is a bit bigger than a foot (regarding a foot being caught in female anatomy)

Mary S (Regarding the flash on her camera): Oh, it's so bright! It's like laser eye surgery, but without a laser.

Pádraig: Mary, I'm beginning to think you broke your toe for attention!

Amy: You know when you're not pregnant, is it clear or pink? Mary S: ( After a few seconds ) Oh you mean the stick thing!

(class watching dvd, showing girl who speaks 7 languages) Pádraig: She can't speak Irish!

Amy: Oh my God, imagine having triplets the first time. I think I'd have to hire someone to look after them or I'd hide them somewhere.

Amy: Tights are the best form of contraception.. The higher the denier, the more effective.

Pádraig ( When dissecting a cow's leg ): It's a calf-tastrophe! Heather: Well that was a-moo-zing...

Awkward Pacemaker!

The World of Politics According to Amy Wright

When I become Prime Minister...

Maybe I should just join the communist party!

I'd prefer to fuck the conservatives...

Amy: I want to kill Margaret Thatcher, slowly and painfully! Pádraig: She's an old woman with alzheimers Amy: I still would if I didn't go to Jail.

(On the BNP) They're racist, chauvinistic, homophobic pigs and they're inbred because they want to be only descended from white people.

(On Russians) They're alcoholics. I could become an alco and blend in...

I would ban Rupert Murdoch from entering the country!

I could be a lesbian...

If I was Prime Minister, everywhere would have escalators and lifts. Fuck Obesity!

Amy: If you were to become Prime Minister of your country, whatever it's called.. Pádraig: Taoiseach. Amy: Yeah, that thing.

Amy: "HERE LOOK! British passports have unicorns..."

Well put, sir, well put. I'll cetrinlay make note of that.

Novel Writing

Julia: Stop stealing my glitter, you bitch.

Donal: They're quite good, if you're a smarmy 12 year old.

Zoe: Bonding Time... is that they're calling it now?

Claire: Snapple is NOT love.

Ellen: I am the greater beings bitch.

Oisin: I don't know how to do jumping jacks.

Donal(to Julia): You're pimp master hustle daddy of the universe. Julia: That's one step up from God.

Joanna: The good guys are kind've the bad guys. Alex: That's always a great sentence.

Claire: Teenage rebellion: slamming the door on your neck.

Zoe(eats grass): What does this grass taste like? Julia: Celery. Zoe: Or rhubarb.

Anna: Ohh Julia.

Catherine(blonder): I don't think the size is important, more the force.

Mike: St. Anthony find Julia's fucking ipod. Donal: And then maybe her normal one.

Ellen: I had a bit of leftover cow for breakfast. Julia: Cow not beef? Ellen: Yes cow.

Anna(to Donal): Smatass Boy. Julia(to Anna): Stupidass Girl

Julia: No jokes while it's in my mouth. Donal: That's what she said.

Claudia: Can we not ruin Vi-light

Claire(to Kate): You're kind've evil. Kate: Yeah I work with it

Julia(to Anna): Shut up you'll die first.

Shannen(to Zoe): Ohh, Zoe you look all hatted.

Anna: Starfishes sounds wrong. Julia: No it doesn't.

Julia: I'll take that orc. I mean bet.

Connor: Like a beautiful butterfly.

Anna: Donal evil laughs like a boss.

Claire: Ooh can we have an evil laugh competition.

Donal: Shark lawyers except not literal sharks.

Ellen: I found the suicide door.

Kate: Kill the goldfish. The goldfish deserves it.

Julia: My milk is so cute!

Claire: "I know you're all unique, beautiful snowflakes, it just takes a while for my brain to realise it."

Claire: "I love teenagers, you're all full of angst, and sparkles...not like vampire sparkles though...real sparkles"

Shannen: "Fuck the Cheerios!" -a tagline for non-conformism

(Someone tries to explain teenage rebellion...) Claudia: "No... Teenage Rebellion is closing the door on your NECK!"

Oisin: "National Fucking the Country Agency equals NAMA"

Emer: "Used and abused by a yummy asshole..."

Alex: Hestia is the Jim of Mount Olympus

Donal: My life is going to end soon anyway. I'll flitter it away as I see fit.

Catherine: Can you move the toe on top of your head?

(Talking about overly detailed novel descriptions) Claudia: "The carpet smells like shit

  • Oisin gets down and sniffs carpet*

Oisin: "No it doesn't."

Conor: "Shit happens here."

(at lunch)

  • Ross takes a sandwich out of bag and puts on table. Glances at everyone's trays*

Ross: "Spot the commuter"

Cookie ingrediants: "Rape" and were made in "Middlesex" -seriously

Geena: "Eat your rape on the go, it's more enjoyable"

Claudia: "Eat your rape somewhere else!"

Someone eating a rape cookie: "Good old nutritious rape"

Shannen about Ross's dancing skills: "Dancing machine" and "Most powerful pelvic thrusts ever"

Julia: Shake my fist. Donal: Okay, give it to me.

"Are you going to go in and save her?" "Are you mad? The bilding's on fire!"

Oisin: "Buffer, bitch"

Claudia: "We can't go inside, beause it's fucking empty!

  • looks mournfully at restaurant*

(A conga line passes, and Ross runs up behind me) Ross: "I'm late for the train"

Geena hugs someone then pulls away abruptly: "Hug terminated."

Donal: Agamemnon is like Aslan but just not as nice.

Geena: "Dragons are misunderstood!"

Claire: "If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?" Geena: "Is there Snapple at the bottom?"

Claire: Lots of nice stories have incest.

Shannen/Claudia: "THIS. IS. SNAPPLE!!!!"

Geena: (Pretending to be a novel character she had created) Donal: "Are there gay dragons?" Geena: "Not that I know of." Donal: "Can you kill people with your gaze?" Geena: "Yes. I throw tiny gays at people."

Anna: It's joke making time.

Julia: Ow! I hit myself in the face.

(Oisin has picture of Claudia, sleeping during meditation) Geena: "She's going to kill you when she sees that" Oisin: "What she doesn't know won't hurt her...or me" Geena: "That is the creepiest this you've ever said."

Claudia about rhubarb yogurt: "It's fucking grass yoghurt!!!

  • looks furious*

Geena eyes cookie on the floor in the quad: "Watch out, the rape cookie is lying in wait"

Anna(to Julia): Your frown looks like a French-agent flirty face.

Shannen: "You look like an emo egnome! You, Zoe are an internet based lawn ornament!

  • points accusingly*

(Ross doesn't know who to give notebook to) Tyler: "Throw it and see what happens

  • Ross throws it... it hits Ellen in the face*

Maria: "I can't draw a self portrait, this face is too awesome for paper"

Geena: "I also have an exasperated rumble"

Shannen: "(adjective)(noun)is(same adjective)"

Anna: "He could be a queen" Ross: "No he's bad to the bone.... I won't let you gay up my character"

Claudia: "WTF - Irish Times"

Fake letter to publisher about group novel: "I have chosen you because you deal with a lot of teenager writers, and we're a lot of teenage writers" (Oisín)


Evil yeast: NYAK NYAK NYAK!

Claudia's attempt at Evil Yeast: "Nyaa nyaaa nyaaaaa?"

Blonder Catherine several times a day: "Magic Stars!"

Blonder Catherine: "I am not blonde!" Everyone in reply: "Blonder! Blond-er!" Oisin's response to soup at lunch: "They forgot to kill the soup before serving it to us."

(about "chicken" in the canteen) Zoe: Chicken, cough cough wink wink it's actually pigeon.

Everyone in the class most mornings (to Alex): TOFFYPOPS!!!!

Kate: The plot falls on him.

Oisin: That's 38 mentions of incest.

Shannen: Wrong face.

Kate: You're not crazy, just high on Snapple. Therefore, temporarily crazy.

Oisin: It's like an old man, an ostrich and a rubbish tip all at once.

Julia: The awkward moment when you drop your gnome!

Shannen: Oh my god, it's like Narnia for daredevils!

Geena (holding up Snapple): This isn't Snapple, it's 100% karma.

Eoin: Girls are secretly dinosaurs.

Zoe: Everyone knows the fridge is the window to the soul.

Claudia (looking at the bog in Labyrinth): Oh my god, it's the Canteen soup!


Ross: Barbarian: Barber and Librarian.

Shannen: This is an Abercrombie and Fitch book.

Shannen: On a scale of one to wacky.

Everyone at some stage: Incest Train! Joanna (to everyone): All aboard!

Oisin: The incest train has reached the station.

Joanna: A teenager runs away from home to become a fire mage.

Joanna (to Maria): Do you want your red pepper back?


Logo made for 2011 Philosophy by StudentsFiachra:

• I'll tell you at... THE END.

• You can click "save as" and a big fist could come out of the screen and punch you!

• I love jail, three meals a day, all your mates in there. Great fun.

• All it wants is cookies

• The probability of one of you winning the lottery is bluh.

• They did, like, awesome things.

• The nouvelle... Uh... Riche.

• Second course, he could discuss... Blubluh?

• I don't sleep. I don't need sleep. I sometimes stare at a wall for a while... That's my rest.

• You shall OBEY MY WILL.

• You've never heard of lava crocodiles? Kids these days...

• All the people who survive are gonna love it, unless of course they live in fear...

• One of the most sophisticated theories of the mind, I saw in Spongebob

• Philosophy hit squad

•(on love) Now you can get it in pill form

• Imagine a crazed Norweigen is on the loose.

• It's a regular Mega-church.

• Look here's some revolutions, yay!

• Hardcore German... Uh... System building.

• Is that common sense? (Jack): ... I don't know!

• I'm the one talking to the aliens. Alf and his buddies.

• I'm going to violate your autonomy and liberty.

• Star Wars generally upsets me

• I fight like a cornered rat

•The universe: it's big • You don't count as persons.

• I do have rather warm coffee that I could throw at you.

• Floral ninja assassin.

• What would be the phenomenology of being a giraffe?

• Gill transplant!

• Shauna: I'd probably get hours of fun out of a bible.

• "Shauna" Trust me, if you were a horse I'd be doing much worse.

• "Laura" Eternal Damnation-it's a bit much

• "Corpse on a pole: Philosophy's equivalent of the elephant in the room.

• "Aoife" Wait I can prove God doesn't exist- come back!

• "Kerry" Lottery of kidneys

• "Mike" The light at the end of the tunnel is just Fiachra with a torch

• "Mike" If they're adopted they're only half your children

• "Mike" Whoever I have babies with-

  (interrupted by laughter)

• "Alex" Borders are overrated

• "Fiachra" What if the people vote for an idiot like.... so many examples!

• "Mike" If some random guy came up to you on the street and said would you like to give blood?

• "Mike" I endorse domestic violence

• "Mike" CTYI is a school for psychopaths.

  (anon) That's just you Mike...

• "Fiachra" What do you think of ethics? •"Jamie" There no really fun

•"Shauna" Are you going to appear at our death beds?

"Fiachra" Who else would?

• "Mike" This is sort of rape I guess.

• "Mike" What's wrong with genocide?

• "Jack" You're going to enslave us?

• "Fiachra" Yes, but as I pointed out, you are not full autonomous persons

•"Rebecca" It's their tree!

• "Ogden" Pandora is a moon, not a planet; just sayin'

• "Mike" Therefore periodes should be outlawed

• "Mike" No shame in syphilis

• "Eunice" Mike I revoke your right to address me

• "Jack" Short people can live in short places.

• "Claire" You can think for free

(Unknown, possibly refers to Mike) It's his choice to be psychopath!

•"Fiachra" How do we escape?

•"Jack" Death

•"Fiachra" He lived to a ripe old age.

•"Brona" That is so sad

• "Mike" It tastes like logic.

• "Mike" Americans amputate their u's

• "Mike" 1,2,3,4,5,6, whoa time skip infinity

• "Brona" I had a very narrow view of an open mind

• "Carolin" (To Fiachra) You managed to destroy believes I didn't even know I had!

• "Mike" Whenever you look at me, you have a casual look of distain.

• "Eunice" Do you categorize all your friends?

  "Simon" Yes- don't you?

• "Eunice" Lies!

  "Mike" All I said was hello

• Mia: are you going to go around throwing pigs off buildings?

Fiachra: yup.

• Rebecca: die, baby, die!

• Shauna: is this what you do in your spare time? grow eyes?

• Caroline: don't we have free speech?

Fiachra: no. not here.

• (throughout a class talking about property rights)

Fiachra: do you believe in property?

Jamie: not really anymore.

Jamie: can I have my iphone back?

Fiachra: you have to prove you own it first.

Fiachra: I've redistributed your phone to Eunice.


• The cookie - sorry, utility - monster.

• The pope could come out saying he had a vision from God saying that, I dunno, that God doesn't exist.

• Rebecca: Everest will get taller from the amount of dead bodies on it.

• Ogden: You don't have to give birth to the violinist!


• Compulsory volunteer work.

• Omnomnom seconds!

• Ogden: He is Jesus! Aoife: EVERYONE IS JESUS!

• Blind man's bluff.. (Ogden): ...With TANKS!

• Fiachra: So what do you think of this moral topic? The Entire Class in Unison: APORIA!!!!!

• (A slide titled 'Skepticism' comes on the board)

Jamie: Oh this will be great

Ryan: Sounds a bit shit

The Definitive Guide to Fiachra(The TRUTH: which doesn't actually exist, as admitted by the man/God himself) -He played Magic:The Gathering and his favourite card was Royal assassin. -He hates the Matrix. -He can't really surf. -He is the Original Hipster. -He like Zoolander,Annie Hall, Curb your Enthusiasm,Pulp Fiction,Lawrence of Arabia, Grease, Tree of Life, Kubrick films, Bad Teacher, Enter the Void, Inception,the second Batman. -He dislikes precociousness. -He will appear at our deathbeds. -We will never pin him down (acording to Siofra, the TA). -The Inventor of Knutsac. -Likes accessories(The Scarf of Infinite Wisdom). -Read Carmilla. -Doesn't sleep,he stares at walls instead. -He has seen the very depths of Human Ignorance. -He was the only person on the side of the humans in Avatar. -He founded a colony on Mars and has Martian slaves. -He watches Spongebob and found within it the most sophisticated joke on the theory of the mind. -He has Elvin Followers. -He watches Sex&The City when bored. -He knows Ivor Callely's Lawyer. -He has watched The Girl who Leapt Through Time. -He likes dogs. -He likes Snapple and Coffee. (He really likes coffee) -Holds open doors for people. -He has been to the Himalayas. -He plays piano and jazz flute.

War & Conflict Studies


Andrew: Does anyone want to hear a holocaust joke?

Andrew (giving directions to the bathroom): If you can see the showers, you're going the right way.

-Niamh: That's what they said to the Jews.


Emma and Sadhbh: Conor and joan's future children are

                15 YEARS LATER

Joan (TA) (upon reading the quotes): Why are me and Conor only having one girl?


Niamh Lang: You cant rape me I belong to Sadhbh.

Niamh Lang:Hey Sadhbh. You can put your Finland in my Gulf.

Daniel Diaz: "Wait until I wear my gimp suit"

Hannah: Dàire's only feasibly ugly!

"Nepalese Jackie Chan"

Katie: You're so cute Hannah!

Ashok and Hannah are now (respectively) Irish Jason Bourne and Strawberry Fields

Niamh Lang: Dictatorship 101

Hannah: Hannah likes speaking in the third person

Conor: Hedgehogs die, get over it.

Sadhbh: Hitler was an asshole

Random drunk homeless man on bus (to Daire): D'ya wanna blowjob?, I'll be your slave

  • Daire runs away...*

Conor (teacher): There's no need to be afraid of him hes just drunk...

Daire: He offered me a blowjob...

Conor: Okay, be afraid of hi