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As per usual, chaps, please enter your quotes into the right section. If anybody would get the joke, stick it into 'General Interest'; if only you and a group of friends would get it, pop it into 'In-Jokes'.

TalesOfTheQuad.com would like to remind you to ACTUALLY FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE PLEASE. Some quotes which make no sense to the general population have been moved to the In-Jokes section, in the faint hopes that they make sense to SOMEBODY. Likewise, only in-jokes should be put in the in-jokes section.

For more information about the Session go to CTYI 2012


Session 1

General Interest

RAs

Graham: Daniel Hanlon, I swear to God, if you put that lightsaber anywhere near Fionn I will put it in a place in which no lightsaber should ever be put.


  • While on a big rant

Emmett: Lads, I want everyone to have one kettle, And one toaster, And all the parts of those kettles and toasters, And if any toasters or kettles go missing, I'm blaming Finn!

Finn: Why me?

Emmett: Eh, Cause you're standing beside me.

Finn: (To Aaron) Oh yeah, Aaron your duvet is in my shower.

Emmett: Wait, Why is it in your shower?

Finn: Cus Daniel put it there

Daniel: Maybe....


Emmett (on the 4th of July slut-run): Guys! NO STAMPEDES OF HORMONES!

Students

(on the first day)

Colm O'Reilly: We've got a really cool residential staff...

Danny: yeah except for bedwetter and Mid-Life Crisis...


Sarah Byrne: (while her pressure points are being touched to find her sex noise) "Don't touch me, bitch."


Jane O'Connor: "Stalin means 'man of steel', and steel is a superior form of iron. Therefore, Stalin is a superior form of Iron Man."


Alice Coffey: "That is 50 shades of cray!"


Aidan: (while in spar-out loud) "Hey lads we're out of sponges, will we get the tampons?"


Aidan: Graham is like a cross between Gok Wan and Anakin Skywalker.


Eimear Conroy: (describing the swimming training she was doing) "Howard was there, swimming in the pool." Jane O'Connor: "Wow, how were his abs? Were they galloping?"


Blanaid Lowry: " Fernanado, every time you say backpack i think you are Dora!" Sarah: "Just because he's Spanish and has a backpack doesn't mean he's Dora!"


Sarah Byrne and Natalie Barnes and Caoimhe Geoghegan : (About Fernando) "He's all moody and continental"


Daire O' Bruachail: "Kill him for touching my circuits!"


Kevin Fletcher: "Playing the saxophone is about shifting a duck."


Mustapha: (in the Larkin) "I command you to move down!" Benjamin Bloch: *giving the finger* "VA FAN CULO!" ('go f*** yourself' in Italian)


Johnny: God, Spar smells like right shit. Jonathon: Yeah, it's like someone took a shit in the biscuit aisle. Mustapha: It could just be one continuous shit all along the store. Aidan: Ever played Snake on an old Nokia phone? Now you know…


Kevin F: He's not waking up... Daire Coburn: Use a sharper knife.


(As a joke, 2 boys who prefer not to be named, got into Benjamin and Mustapha's shower fully clothed as a joke. They hug and say how much they're gonna miss each other. Benjamin thought it was funny so decided to take a picture. The RA, Graham Murtagh, arrived in the corridor after his day off. Benjamin does not realise this and bursts out of his room.) Benjamin: "So who wants to see a picture of 2 boys in the shower?!" (Graham stares at Benjamin for about 2 minutes and everyone is laughing hysterically.)



Cool story Sharon

Miguel : Fionn, come over here. Fionn: Where are taking me? Miguel: To the rape place. (Pointing at the inter-faith centre) Philip: Guys it's over there.



Gingey: This sentence won't end the way you wa-octopus



Alice: Any sentence can be made better by adding "like a cheap whore" to the end of it.



Aoife: "Where's Louise?" Joe: "She went to say bye to Junie and Birdo." Aoife (after slight pause): "Junie and Birdo?"



Aidan: "How do you think you're going to cope without CTYI?" Gingey: "I'm not…"



John: Hey Guy? Nobody gives a fuck.



(a small child approaches the group)

Davin: John! Turn off your magnet!



(talking about bestiality and peoples other-halves)

John (on his girlfriend): She's just a dog on stilts



John: Its like Fight Club with a lot more crying and masturbating.



Danny: Hey Raymond? Nice shorts... BITCH.



Danny: Hey Sorcha? You and Alexis should go out, he likes long walks on the beach!



Eoin: The beach seems like a very hands on experience...



Danny: Did you know that if you punch someone through a phonebook they don't get a bruise.

Alexis: Ah well a bruise is just burst blood vessels anyway

Derv: So... does that mean that if you get a hickey through a phone book, you dont get a hickey?



(after a discussion about circumcision and various animal abuse)

Danny: The theme of this discussion is clearly decapitation.



(on significant others)

Rachel: Thats why long distance is really great, I can just turn him off if he ever annoys me.

John: Yeah but I do the same thing with my girlfriend except I use a gun.



Alexis (to Derv): Herpy derpies!



Foygus: My brother once handcuffed my hand to my foot.



(on how to turn a woman on)

Danny: Just give her a can of Dutch and turn on some strobe lights, then just let nature run its course.



Derv: I like to think of myself as a sperm



Foygus: I'm not any use on my back



Davin: You know how some people have a playroom? I have a play house.



Greg: That looks like a very inviting alleyway



John: I had a dream where Danny raped me



Foygus (to Sorcha): You look like the most retarded duck in the world



Aldon: I dont care what i put in my mouth.



Sophie: Strumpet? I always thought that was a musical instrument.

Eoin: To be fair it kind of is. You stick your tongue in it and it makes all kinds of noises



Sophie (to Alexis): Are you and John like this in your room?

Alexis: Pretty much... but with less clothes and more baby oil and candles



(discussion on girls boarding schools)

Alexis: So what d'you do at weekends?

Sarah K: Ah well you know yourself, movies, communal showers, electric toothbrushes...

Alexis: Ah grand... wait... what?



(discussing a video of tapirs having sex)

John: It was almost weirdly human

Alexis: John we just witnessed an intimate moment between two tapirs

John: I think I understand love now



Sorcha: So Guy, d'you think I'm pretty?

Guy: You just want your ego stroked

Sorcha: Yes, yes I do

Guy: Thats rather masturbatory



(Rachel is being abused for being english)

Rachel: You act like I made up the rules!

Danny: Ever heard of guilt by association? Welcome to criminology, you filthy prot!

(later on)

John: How many punches to the face would make up for 800 years of oppression?

Sarah K: You cant make Alexis uncomfortable, the only way is to punch him in the balls.

Alexis: I hid in your bushes last night.

Sorcha: ...wait... I was naked when you did that!

Derv: I derped so hard I put a hole in the matrix and now Im indestructible!

Danny: Did you hear what computer game Paul is developing? Its called "The Adventures of Foygus"

John: I'd love to see a wheel of fortune with great prizes and then terrible ones...

Danny: And you can win a speed boat, a carribean holiday or a night with the beast... or a trip to a cambodian killing field.

John (to Sharon): Don;t go rapin no kids!

John (to Rachel): Ha! I touched my penis then I touched your face!

Foygus: Wow... that speaker looks like a shower head...

Rachel: I bet thats what the Jews said too...

Danny (to Sunni, in reference to her being Jewish): I wanna go on the record and say I've never actually said you killed Jesus.

John: And I wanna go on the record and just say... well... you did kill Jesus

Danny: So Rachel, the potato famine, why?

Alexis: So... if they're almost Jews... are they Jew-ish?

John: I know so little about Judaism, its like magic to me.

Foygus (to Paul): Im surprised you know the word "correlation"

Paul: Im surprised your head hasnt exploded.

Eoin (to Sorcha): We're not dead inside, we're just intelligent.

Sarah K: A bass is a glorified banjo

John: Rachel, shut up about how hard the IB is. Its marked out of 7, I havent been marked out of 7 since primary school!

Danny (whilst getting tanned): I bet even gay guys think I look like a tool

Danny Rigg: Yeah...

Foygus: My dog drops the ball in front of me then when I bend to pick it up he grabs it and runs away

John: God Fergus... even your dog is taunting you

(eating Sorcha's food parcel in the common room)

Liam (to Rachel): Do you guys have this at hannukah?

Liam (to Rachel): This is what the body of christ tastes like. Yeah, this is what you're missing out on.

Alexis (on the shifting map): What a rich tapestry...

Alexis (on homeless people); We can just teach them tricks... like one can learn to juggle and one can do handstands...

(on a gay Jewish Rabbi)

John: I bet he blew a guy at the altar...

Danny: Thats a circumcision gone wrong.

John: Hey, all hands feel the same in the dark.

Danny (after many Jew related jokes to Sunni): Ah Sunni shall we call it quits? No? Typical Jew.

Padraig (to Mairead): I dont see why you're so infatuated with covering your tits!

Danny: Girls with daddy issues are great. All you have to say to them is Im proud of you.

(later on)

Danny: Amy nobody respects you

Paul: Hey Amy? Im proud of you.

(later on)

Paul: Derv, Oisin is so proud of you, and he also has garlic sauce on his penis that he needs to to lick off.

Derv: Uhm... no...

Danny: But Dearbhla... hes so proud of you.

Aaron Brogan: You are the 7 year old child to my catholic priest

(discussing which girl would be which boy in our group)

Danny: If Sunni were a boy, she'd be Liam

Arnov: No, she'd be Aldon!

Danny: why?

Arnov: Because they both like penis on their face!

Pádraig: "Ignorance isn't a crime, it's an inconvenience."

Benjamin: (at lights out, Mustapha, Benjamin's roommate, is not in his room. The RA, Cian, gets him. Benjamin appears in his underwear only and says to Mustapha) "You're late, honey".

In-Jokes

General

"Zuuuuluuuuuuuu..."

Kevin F: "Vontablanch!"

Danny: Sneakball!

21st Century Skills

OFFICIAL THEME TUNE FOR OUR CLASS:Yello - The Race .

Lorcan : "It's 250 points if you meet a TA." Mustapha: "What are you thinking of, Lorcan?" (in class about the meeting game, with Emer Jones present)

Benjamin: *says MILF in french thinking nobody will understand* Teacher: Mother I'd like to... Benjamin: NO, NO, NO!

Connor: Germany lost.... Jake: I lost...

Mustapha: 90% of the internet is the "dark side" Oisin: But I thought porn was 12%?

Mustapha: (singing) Ain't no sunshine when she's gone… Cathal: Anal sunshine?!

Jonathon: "Why the two cups thing?" Salam: "Two cups because there are four girls"

Jonathon: (Jamie try's to shag pillow) "Touch my pillow and I'll ride your mother!"

Jonathon: (while watching Brian using IPad) "Get it up more, then drop the load"

Aidan: Colourful technicolour flowers

Aidan: *says "you are late" in French* Benjamin: was he trying to speak French?

(half the class debating, other half making a podcast) Mustapha: They may not be master-debators, but they are mass-debating.

(discussion over a floppy disk) Aidan: You wouldn't want to go near that 3 and a half inch floppy.

(discusing nyan cat on a website) Mustapha: It's so big you can't even see it. Oisin: I'm pretty sure thats what she said.

Mustapha: There's a picture of Aidan's crotch. Oisin: Let me see.

Mustapha (about a muffin): This thing is a freak of nature. Aidan: It's like the tip of Chuck Norris' penis. Seani: Except Chuck Norris' is bigger.

Guest speaker: (on where to take a video) "Let's do it against that wall." Benjamin: "That's what she said!"

Benjamin: "You guys are so productive!" Salem: "And reproductive!"

Kevin: (about Kaitlyn) "You put your hands on my underwear and fell asleep on me!" Kaitlyn: I'm not a pedo, I swear!"

Kevin: (about Kaitlyn being a prostitute) €1.59 isn't a bad deal. Aidan: Usually it's a fiver and a bag of chips, then you're talking!

Benjamin: "Go f*ck yourself, Kevin." Kevin "I do!"

Emer (TA): (Wanting to make an announcement) "Everybody quiet please." (Everyone goes quiet for about 10 seconds.) Benjamin: You do actually have to start talking now!"

Kevin: "Salam, what currency do they use in Saudi Arabia?" Salam: (who is from Saudi Arabia) "Chicken."

Emer(TA): Be completely honest about me in evaluation. Jake: So do we write "she has massive tits"?

Benjamin(on Facebook after CTYI): "Who in fucking fuck decided what the class theme song is? Coz, no offence to whoever decided it, but it really is a steaming pile of utter shit! :D :-)"

Computer Gaming

"Damn it Roderic!" -Daire O' Bruacháil, along with plenty others.

"OMFG LAWRENCE" -Boondocker Warfare

"This is Eircom. He wants you to pay your PHONE BILL. IT COMES WITH EXPERT GRINDS!!!!" -Boondocker Warfare

"DAD, did you know I'm failing FREEEEEEEEENCH" -Boondocker Warfare

"Roach, take that snowmobile! Let's get the hell out of here!" Captain MacTavish, apparently on Pluto.

"This is going to be a beanfeast" Arnold Schwarzenegger, Boondocker Warfare

"Danm it, Roderic!" - Eoin Hickey

"I need to wash the blood off my hands and face" - Kevin "Eircom" Fletcher

"It's so funny when the music starts playing and the guy in the pink tracksuit comes onto the screen" Hristo Stoev

"Dam ih, wodwig!" -Hristo Stoev

"And ASTROPHYSICS" - Kevin "Eircom" Fletcher

"Soiling your clothing will pause the game" - Horrors of Obesity

"May an infectious disease destroy your manly parts!" -Roderic and Co.

"This presentation is going to be boring compared to the rest, but that's because it's actually relevant" -Tadhg White

"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance?" -Eoin Hickey

"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." - Daire O' Bruacháil

Criminology A

Fiona: "It's so hot here, my forehead has never felt such pleasure"

Ebrahim: "Do you find rape funny?"

Fiona: "I'm jiggling with love for you!"

Sharon: "One time, I went to Disneyland and I went on a ride and I was chewing gum, and I swallowed my gum and I told my mom and she said 'ok'"

Kate: "One time, there was an earthquake in Mayo, and a chair fell over"

Ebrahim: "Can girls aim?"

Person: "What time is it?" Nina: "Summer time, it's our vacation!"

Ebrahim: "White women can't dance"

Maeve: "People in Roscommon don't just look at sheep, they shag them!"

Maeve: "Keep it in your pants Fiona"yb

Sharon: " I like your shoes, they're the same colour as my nail polish, but my nail polish came off in the shower, coz it was really hot"

Maeve: "Don't we have the right to free looking?"

Trisha (sarcastically): " Where's Luke, is he hiding in a box somewhere?" (Luke jumps out of box)

Fiona: "Sorry, I'm too busy flailing"

Kate: "There was no need to do that!" Maeve:"there was no need to do your ma but..."

Sarah: "Next year, no-one is going to fit into session 1, coz Maeve's gonna fill up all the space with her big head"

Fiona: "Do you know the

guy who plays Jackie Chan? Is he called Jackie Chan?

Kate: (in reference to Andreea's shoes): I like your vans Luke: I like vans too, except white ones Kate: Why? Luke: Because white vans kidnap children.


Criminology B

Everyone: Up the RA!


Everyone: Ah, a few naggins and it'll be grand...


Rachel: Honestly Danny I dont think a testicle can tastefully dangle


Danny: Sneakball!


Sorcha: So is he saying the solution to crime is to make everyone fat?


Everyone: PARKOUR!


Danny: How many Jews can you fit in a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 6 million in the ashtray.


John: We're making a tally. For example, we mark down every time Alexis says something about the IRA or soft drugs.


Rachel: Whats red and fluffy? Red fluff!

Danny: Whats grey and fluffy? Stillborns.


(during one of Rachels debate speeches)

John: Go back to England!

(later on)

Rachel: I dont have anything else because my team didnt take any notes for the rebuttal

Danny: No, its because we dont like you!


Davin (to Sorcha): Bitch put your shoes on!


Sorcha: "Mitigation"? Thats a word.


Danny: How can you make pancakes unhappy?

John: You'd be surprised what cyanide can do to a meal..


Karen TA: Im gonna have to sit here for a while

John: Well you're gonna hear some fucked up shit


Danny (to Davin): You have not had 2 hours sleep, you slept in class! You used your afro as a pillow!


Rachel: Hey Danny, was it on the roof?

Danny: No, in my bed


Sorcha: Is it true if you were born in the UN headquarters in New York, your parents get to pick your nationality?


(discussing Alexis' local judge)

Amina: I wonder what he eats for breakfast

John: Children...


(at the Criminal Courts of Justice, watching a man trying to work a computer and looking angry)

Danny (voiceover): Thats the last time I download bestiality porn onto the court computer. All the evidence is gone and theres horse dick everywhere.


John: So hes what, 39? Which is not that old but, yknow... nearly dead


Danny: One does not simply walk out of Jobstown with your shoes


Padraig: Is anti-semitism for everyone or just the jews?

Everyone: No, just the jews.

Padraig: Well they had to have one to themselves didnt they?

(after a night with very little sleep)

John: I'm pretty sure this is what heroin withdrawal feels like...


John: Karen knows plenty about shower heads!


Rachel: So I was watching Spiderman yesterday and all I could think was PARKOUR!


John (to Sorcha): Yeah we wanted to call you at 3 in the morning and be like "do you know the muffin man?" and then "cos we heard he fingered you in a bakery! Ha!


(on Hitler's poetry)

Danny: Mein flowers...


(during the mock trial)

Alexis: How much had you had to drink that night?

Davin: 2 or 3 naggins...


Davin: I only know how to measure alcohol in naggins!


Everyone (first spoken by Danny): Straight up passed away...


(after a particular story involving a man with Downs Syndrome)

John: What was he doing in a club?


John: Why would you call it retard strength? Thats like the most offensive of all superpowers!


Danny (singing): Amy and Alexis sitting in a tree, Amy will do anything cos shes a whore...


Ellen (on the FBI hacker): Oh it was the craziest week in Offaly!


Danny (sitting next to Amy): God I can feel the crabs jumping onto me... I feel like an extra on Deadliest Catch


Amina: So, what is terrorism? (pause) Alexis?


Danny (on the contents of Hitlers diary): Met this girl Anne today... she had a diary too!


Danny (on the Holocaust debate): Oh it was terrible all I wanted to do was stand up and say "NO, we love the Jews, they're gas!"

(after the debate)

Padraig (walks in): Gwan lads!

(silence)

Padraig: Okay no...


(talking about giving head)

Rachel: Am I the only one who just thinks to themselves... I could just bite this right off if I wanted to...

Derv: Yeah, you really feel like god when you have a penis in your mouth


John: We should just go with the original plan and send all the Mountjoy prisoners to Australia

Danny: No, we should send them to Connacht.


Derv: None of this, little slaps for you *insert full name here*


John: Ah well at the end of the day, we're all gods children...


Derv: Kicking someone in the balls is the quietest form of genocide


Danny: Karen would be a nasty ARC... she'd be a narc!


Derptalk and Derpspiels

all below spoken by Derv unless otherwise stated


Every 5 minutes my brain says yaaay

(later on)

Sometimes, I drop something then my brain just goes yaaaay.


Well about the sociopath thing, you know Harry Potter?


Nooooooo


I really like buses... no I really like these buses


Banjos make me really angry and I dont know why


Maybe the hawks think you're not sapient!


If you were a hawk, you'd be a shitehawk!


(on tumblr hate)

Amina: So what happened to her after?

Derv: Oh I dont know I unfollowed her she was such a bitch


suggestions for where Sorcha has been fingered

- Sports Day

- Back of a bus

- Front of a bus

- At a funeral

==== ===Cutting Edge Science=======

Everyone in Group A at some point or another: Fuck Sake Finn


  • While playing Pandemic 2

Aisling: Daniel, Your Mother is spreading across Russia. Hollis: Why won't Madagascar just die?



Robotics teacher: So lads, How's your robot doing? Erica: Well, We couldn't make it follow a line.... Daniel: So we made it dance instead.


  • Daniel puts robot on floor and it proceeds to dance

Robotics teacher: You guys are getting a prize.

Anonymous: All that glitters is cold

Everyone: Video, video

Stuart (while a capella dubstep occurs): Dubstep: crap when its done right, even worse when you try to do it.

Genetically modified food (yeah!)

(Arnav is saying goodbye to the class, never coming back again)TA: Don't forget to put the video up!

Game Theory

Tom: "Make Bathtime an adventure"

Jason: (Draws stick man) Class: ..... Jason: (Fills in face) Class: Bill Cosby!!

Eoin: Ctyi is like a load of autistic kids put in a blender

Heritage Studies

Medicine

Jane: "Aren't you impressed that Natalie had an LDR for a whole year?" Caoimhe: "A light dependent resistor?"

Yvonne "Could a bad diet cause cancer?" Conan: "Yeah... if you were eating uranium..."

Jane: "Ridding of the cardigan would be good, yes."

Conan: "If a patient comes into you and says, 'I'm coughing up blood', and you say, 'My diagnosis is, you're coughing up blood', they won't be very impressed."

Sarah B: "I used to play with my eyes when I was a kid."

Niamh: "What causes hypertension?" Cathal: "Destiny."

Conan: (on clinical exams) "If you're not touching them, you're not doing it right."

Cathal: "Could everybody please shift?"

Blanaid: "Cathal has a harem of young boys."

Jane & Blanaid: (to Cathal) "Harem boys, gotta catch 'em all, I know it's my destiny -- like high blood pressure!"

Cathal: (when the lights are flashing on and off as Ciara adjusts them) "Is somebody taking pictures of me?"

Cathal: (doing signals of two mechanical hands snapping together in V motions, imitating clip from documentary) Jane: "Robot scissoring."

Jane: (holding a pen) "How do you click this one down?" Blanaid: "You take off the lid."

Brian: "Caoimhe's just masticating in the cupboard."

ANONYMOUS: (reading off the board) Can a bad dick cause cancer?

Sarah Byrne: "Oh My God Blanaid! There's Steps!!!!"

Cathal: (song about rectal bleeding) "Every step you take, you leave a little lake."

Cathal: (another song about rectal bleeding) "Ra-ra-rectal bleeding."

Patrick: "My computer doesn't like me, its not turned on!"

Ciara: "You're such a poser, Cathal. It's like you have a sensor in your brain telling you -- there's a camera focused on you -- GO!"

Natalie: "I need to check your muscle tone -- take off your pants."

(Picking names out of a hat) Ciara: "We'll let one of the guys pick next." Cathal: "Excuse me! I just went!"

Caoimhe: "I'm German." Jane: "No you're not, you're from Kerry!"

Ruairi: "All Jews are inbred."

Ruairi: "I can explain"

Cathal: "Can we Google pictures of Marie Cassidy?"

Cathal: (on whether rectal bleeding is a sign or a symptom) "If it's a sign, there are clearly more serious problems"

Caoimhe: "Yeah, guys, remember. There is no 'I' in 'tea'."

Niamh: "My favourite nerve is the hypoglossal nerve."

Natalie: "Cathal, guess what Niamh's favourite nerve is." Cathal: "Um... Vagus?" Natalie: "No, the hypoglossal." Cathal: "...?" Natalie: "The motor muscles of the tongue!"

Ciara: "If the patient has a head do a scan"


Novel Writing

Caroline: (to Hazel) Let me sprawl myself across your desk... Wait. Let me sprawl myself across your... crotch.


Sean the Chicken-Killer: Laughing gets oxygen to your brain

Ellen the Morally Flexible: So does breathing.


Claire(teacher): Everyone say what makes them happy.

Eoin: Hamsters.


Claire: So did you get inside his wolfish mind?

Ross: Ohmnomnom.


Claire (To the Princess Bride strangers): You can stay only if you write an essay.

Ross: (about blind people) On the other hand they can't defend themselves. "*Bam!* Bet you didn't see that coming."

Claire: And then Bob says "Oh I'm so glad we're not in the past where we had to wear those... magic shoes" and then Geraldine will say "Oh yes, those magic shoes were so clunky and they didn't go with any of my outfits" and Bob will say "Oh yes, I understand completely" ... Because... Bob is a... drag queen... I should really think these things through.

Claire: This is a flashback between Bob and Ms... give me a surname!

Adam: Flapjack!

Claire: Okay, Ms. Flapjack, so named by the students because she's sweet and delicious.

Claire: We had a point, and this is the point here, and we've sort of moved over to this point, but if we put another point here... we get a smiley face!

Hazel: (to Caroline) Haha, I get to see your bra! I bet not many people have seen your bra, especially in real life!

Ross: So you're saying Lily Potter would have given birth to a potato?

Claire: Oh yeah, Bible fanfiction, there's some really good Jesus/Judas slash out there.

Claire: Why are there pastries?!

Daire: There's nothing disgusting about my thighs.

Eoin: (Tranny Tuesdayed) I'm a very pretty girl.

Claire: Where does Prince Charming sleep?

Daire: Where DOESN'T Prince Charming sleep?!

Jacqui: I'm a ginger left-handed transvestite with glasses, how much more awkward can I get?!

(Sean walks in)

Claire: Killed any defenceless animals recently?

Sean the Chicken-Killer: Sorry?

Claire: Nothing!

Claire: (to Eoin) Y'know, pink is really your colour!

Joe the Photogenic: You stole my seat!

Eoin: Well you stole my heart!

Claire: Yeah, we'll delve deep into Prince Charming's psyche

Fionn: Awh, don't say that!

Claire: (to Fionn and Miguel) Guys, after lunch you two are duelling with the power of haikus.

Ross: There's actually no historical evidence that Shakespeare wasn't a penguin.

Adam: When I'm in hospital looking back on this with hindsight... I'm a fucking idiot.

Daire: They have such structural integrity!

Fionn: BUUUUUUBBLES!!

Kate: Now that's how you accept a compli- ah shit, the Polos are all gone!

Kate: I'll do you like I do my homework: slam you on the desk and do you all night.

Ross: I should use that line, 'cause I never finish my homework. *winks and points*

Ross: If you put twenty monkeys at twenty computers for two days, they'll write a shit novel.

Hazel: You know what's fun? Shouting 'TIMBER' when a tree falls down.

Ross: Or a really tall person.

Ross: Right, I want an adjective (points at Hazel), a noun (points at Caroline) and a verb (points at Daire). Okay, go.

Hazel: Fluffy

Caroline: ...what's a noun?

Eoin: So there's a girl you like...what do you do? You take her to Bill's Barnacle Blow-out and give her crabs.

Eoin: Sound is energy, the tree does not violate Newton when your back is turned.

Lorcan: It's kind of sad that we're the top 3% and the only humour we use is innuendo and-

Claire: In-YOUR-end-oh!

Joe the Photogenic: Stun guns wouldn't stop an angry woman.

Claire: (about %) Did anyone think 25?

Ross: Yeah

Claire: *points* FOOLISH!

Eoin: I don't know a lot, it's you that thinks I'm intelligent

Ellen the Morally Flexible: My writing is too big for these little lines.

Joe the Photogenic: We don't like to talk about that.

Adam: The Pepsi... it tells me things...

Anon: Alice brought me into the world of Galloping Abs.

Sean the Chicken-Killer (on chickens): My parents said hold it tight and don't let go.

Daire: How big do you think my thighs are?

Mary: Do I remind you of a Hobbit?

Emily: Fuck my life, maaan.

Claire: Use your words!

Emily (Rapunzel): Sometimes, I talk to bugs.

Eoin (improvising as a woman):Mmmm...I'd like to cook those buns.

Jack (to Joe about Adam): I should bitchslap that motherfucker.

Ellen the Morally Flexible: Stop chewing my pen, Louise.

Louise: When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and sit back as the world wonders how you did it.

Adam: I could eat you all.

Jack (about Hair): Touch it, you know you want to.

Eoin (to Adam): Shut up boy or I'll put you in the closet.

Jack: I am the Almighty! Fear the Fuzzy! Fear it!

Sally: Ian is like a Muggleborn/Mudblood

Jack: Oh God, the Form of Doom!

Ellen the Morally Flexible: And it shall be named as such. *Scribbles in name*

Eoin & Sean the Chicken-Killer: 'Twas verily a puppy.

Social Psychology

Gingey (to Ali and Daniel): Will you kiss this picture of Eoin d'Alton?

Grainne: My grandmother's last name is rice but she's not Chinese.

Gingey: I fix cancer 3-6 working day.

Juno: Don't fuck everything because not everything is a fucking place.

Kris: I fix computer 3-6 working day, 16 MSK.

Ciara (to Louise): You have shit coloured eyes...literally.

Grainne: Find the Asian within.

Grainne: Can you really get a six-pack from laughter?

Grainne (speaking about getting a six-pack from laughter): That's logical I think you can!

Ali: So Mexican orphans aren't bad for you?

TA Kate: Stop swearing I wanna see penguins!

Grainne: I really gotta stop touching myself.... oh wait, no!

Ailbhe (to Gingey): I need your head.

Ciara (about fifth year): It doesn't feel hard when you're doing it, but after you feel like you should've done more..

Clodagh: I was gonna make a blonde joke but I couldn't think of any (SHE'S BLONDE!)

Veterinary Science

War & Conflict Studies

Theodore Reginald von Bismarck III of the House of Vladimir

Lisa: "It looks better on the floor"

Steve's Basement

Liam: Lads, Stop defenestrating my toothbrush.

Liam: Daniel stop throwing my stuff out the window.

Daniel: I have used the word defenestration more times in this room than in my entire life

Diarmuid: How could you pronounce my name Dirtmanchunk?

Oisín: *plays flying high ringtone*

Oisín: Tonight we feast on Bourbons!

(Diarmuid locks Prithvi in kitchen) Prithvi: Let me out!!

(Diarmuid tries to open door, but it's jammed) Diarmuid: Anyone have Aaron's number?

-10 minutes later-

Diarmuid: Aaron, Prithvi has been locked in your kitchen for 10 minutes and only you can get him out. Aaron: Well he can wait another 10 minutes.

Osin(to Diarmuid):Dear Maud,

                        (insert any sentence)

                      Regards,                                  Oisin

Session 2

General Interest

RAs

Danny; There's an ongoing joke about us being a gay couple (about his and Graham's "special" relationship)

Students

Emily(On pirate wednesday): I have such terrible tri-corn envy. Loafers: Dry porn?

In-Jokes

General

Behavioral Psychology

Biotechnology

Business & Innovation

Computers & Animation

"Those are, quite literally, the Tits Of Terror." - Emily

"I think we have a case of accidental ass here" - Emily

"No, it's a really good music video, you just have to get past the sperm" - Emily

"My nipples have to be perfect" - Jamie

"Niamh: I inadvertently made nipples. Jamie: Nipples just appear everywhere! Emily: We seem to have the monopoly on nipples in this class. Monipolopoly!"

"Jamie's got really really soft cartilage!" - Niamh

"No hentai in the classroom!" - Rebecca (TA)

"It took quite a while for the nose to stop looking like a penis." - Niamh

"Just twist the big fat nob" -Niamh

"any one of us could be addicted to gay porn and not even know it!" - Emily

"Emily: We wish you a merry Titmas! Jessie: And a nipple to fear!"

"Ben: It's a Dick Cannon!!!"

"Why you got no work stupid" -Rebecca

Cyber Psychology

Economics & Politics

Engineering

Japanese

Journalism

Law

Maths Experience

Medicine

Multimedia with Photography

Philosophy

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